Inaction speaks louder than words
DEAR ABBY: I am 22. I met my boyfriend, “Jordan,” in college. We live together with a roommate.
Throughout our relationship, there have been times when Jordan was inconsiderate and didn’t seem to put much effort into it. Sometimes he says he’s going to be out “late.” Then he ends up staying out all night without letting me know he’s not coming home. He has done this quite a few times. His excuse is that I am supposed to call to hound him and ask where he is and when he’s coming home.
He’s often not respectful of my time and comes home hours after he says he will. Most of the time he’s out with friends I know, but I am losing trust and feel less important.
When we are spending time together, the relationship is great. Jordan is the one person I feel I can live with. We don’t get annoyed with each other and have the same sense of humor and common interests and hobbies.
I have tried many times to get the point across that he doesn’t make me feel like a priority. He tells me he cares and that I’m “the one.” Where do I draw the line because he fails to back up his words with actions? — Low-Ranking Girlfriend in California
DEAR LOW-RANKING: Draw the line now and remove your blinders. Although you say you don’t get annoyed with each other, it seems you are plenty annoyed with Jordan, and you have a right to be. You are being treated like your feelings don’t matter.
You are not his mother and you shouldn’t have to “hound” him. When a boyfriend stays out all night, it is cause for concern. And that his actions and his words don’t match means that he’s not being truthful. Prepare yourself for the inevitable because it’s coming.
DEAR ABBY: I am annoyed by how sexist the conversation is in regard to weddings. It is always her day, her wedding, all about her. It’s like the groom is just a check in the box. Nearly everyone forgets that this is one of the most important events in the groom’s life, too, and he has an equal investment in the event.
As for our own wedding, there were no brides involved — just us two grooms, our minister friend who officiated, plus all our friends and family who celebrated with us. Both of us were involved in the planning and execution of our wedding from beginning to end, and the entire process was so meaningful to us. Now I feel bad for our straight male friends whose involvement in their own weddings gets completely discounted.
Please stay vigilant, Abby. Remind people that it is their day, their wedding, and all about them. — Equal Opportunity in Rhode Island
DEAR EQUAL OPPORTUNITY: Your point is well taken. In generations past, however, traditionally the bride’s parents paid for the wedding. The groom had little to do with the planning — and few, if any, of them objected to it or wanted more responsibility. Today, because couples marry later and brides often have incomes of their own, it is far more common for couples to pay for their weddings and plan them together. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.