As guest, ordering coffee can be tricky

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you treat someone to a cup of coffee at an expensive coffee shop, should they choose a smaller size?

GENTLE READER: Ah, but which is the smaller size? In today’s cutesy coffee shops, it is unlikely to be called “piccolo.”

“Order from the middle of the menu,” nice ladies were taught, back when gentlemen always paid the bills. But Miss Manners realizes that this would be challenging in a shop that uses pseudo-italian nomenclature, or where “jumbo” might be the most modest choice.

She suggests that a frugal host order preemptively by saying, “We’ll have two mezzos” (or whatever they are called), and then graciously inquiring of the guest, “How do you take yours?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I was conceived while my father was married to a woman who is not my mother. He and his wife are still married and have several kids and grandkids. I have met his wife and my half-siblings; she was polite to me the last time I saw her.

I have only seen my father a handful of times in my 30 years, but he did pay child support and gave me $100 per month while I attended college. Now we exchange birthday and Christmas cards. We’re actually Facebook friends, which is how I learned he is in poor health.

What should I do if he dies? If I do not attend, I’m afraid they’ll say, “Why isn’t she here? He was her father.” If I do attend, I’m afraid they’ll say, “Why is she here? He’s only her biological father; he didn’t raise her.” Also, what if he includes me in his will, but I don’t attend the funeral?

I’d like to take the smoothest path, but I’m not sure what that is. Should I attend his funeral when he passes?

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to consider the feelings of the widow and her children, but yes, you should attend your father’s funeral.

They have been aware of your existence and can surely understand that this is an act of piety on your part. Whether you are mentioned in the will should not be a factor.

Where Miss Manners believes that your delicacy should be shown is in not making yourself conspicuous.

Other mourners might not be aware of your relationship, and this is not the time to make it clear. Whether you want to skip any reception that might be held after the ceremony, or just hang back, you do not want to set everyone abuzz with gossip when they should be focused on the life of the deceased.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.