Distasteful request for worthy cause
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I received an email from a business colleague whose parents lost all their belongings in a flood. She sent all her business acquaintances a list of items we should consider buying for her parents.
While I have sympathy for her parents, I’ve never seen anyone ask colleagues to buy things like this for people we’ve never met.
How can I respond without being rude?
GENTLE READER: If you want to decline, you needn’t respond. A letter of sympathy would be gracious, but Miss Manners worries that such might not be well-received without the requested donation.
By no means should this be taken as an excuse to discourage charity. There are an extraordinary number of flood victims, and if you can help them or others in need, you certainly should.
Naturally, you will want to assist people you care about. And there are reputable organizations to which you can direct your more general compassion for others.
If this sounds unduly harsh, it is because there is an epidemic of self-fundraising. Begging for help has become so easy online that those who are not victims of disaster are asking for assistance with the ordinary expenses of life.
Evidently this is not the case with your colleague’s parents. But even the most generous people need some way of evaluating the torrent of pleas pouring through the internet. This is best done when you know the individual circumstances, or trust a filtering organization. Social embarrassment — the awkwardness of not complying with requests — should not figure into it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
I have many grandchildren. There is one granddaughter I don’t mind not seeing often. She is almost 5, and is very selfish and rude . I’ve spoken with her parents, but I believe they dismiss my concerns. What should I do not to feel annoyed?
GENTLE READER: Understand that the child needs to learn manners, and help her.
Miss Manners understands that your time is limited, and you want to spend it with the pleasanter children. But the child will eventually suffer from her parents’ failure to do their job, and you could be making an important contribution.
This is best done by refraining from criticizing the parents and even the child herself. Rather, you should try to arouse her interest by putting her in slightly new situations and explaining “how things are done” as if they were rules of a game.
Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.