Dog owner tells pet parents: Back off

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this day of “pet parents,” I constantly find myself biting my tongue. A dog is a dog.

I love my dog — my best friend for 14 years — but I will not treat him the same as I treat a human child.

If he is driving me nuts, it is not abuse to put him outside for a while, as long as weather allows. It is not abuse to put him in a temperature-controlled garage when we are not home.

It is not unkind to not allow him on the furniture. If he is misbehaving, I have no problem swatting his backside or grabbing him by the scruff of the neck. As a result, I have an overwhelmingly well-behaved dog that I’ve never even had to have on a leash.

Pets are NOT PEOPLE! What would you see as a proper response to someone who tells me I should have my dog taken away for treating him like a dog? I am never excessive in punishments, and he is a genuinely happy, fearless, active little guy.

GENTLE READER: Without disagreeing with your premise, you might consider accepting your assailant’s premise that there are some similarities between children and pets. As a Human Parent — by which Miss Manners refers to “the parent of a child,” although not necessarily “a parent who has had a full night’s sleep” — you would understand a stranger interceding in true cases of abuse. But you would be rightly indignant at strangers threatening to call the police because they disagree with benign parenting.

The next time you are criticized, try recoiling with a horrified, “Are you suggesting someone should take away my beloved Prince?” Then, while your critic recovers from the confusion, make a quick getaway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married and wants to list her father’s long-term girlfriend on the program as her stepmother.

I am against this, as they are not married. The wedding is being held in a church, and my daughter is lying in their first sacrament to God.

What is the proper-etiquette way to name a longterm girlfriend on the wedding program? My daughter won’t talk to me.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter may be upset at having been accused of sacrilege. Whether or not your assessment is theologically accurate, it adds to the emotional pressure of the conversation.

Etiquette recommends a gentler approach. As an enemy of wedding programs, Miss Manners is willing to take the blame for recommending that the offending program be scrapped.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.