Etiquette is not same as thought police

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Let’s say you say something critical or unkind in confidence about a third person, and the comment gets back to them. What do you say, or how do you apologize if both of you know you meant it?

GENTLE READER: Before pronouncing sentence, Miss Manners is old-fashioned enough to wish to know if a crime was actually committed.

It is not impolite to think ill of another person: Etiquette deals in actions, not thoughts. Nor is it impolite to express your opinion to a friend or relation who is presumed to be like-minded — although your judgment on that point was evidently mistaken.

Insulting someone to his or her face is a different matter. Your go-between has left you with two unpleasant options: validating the insult in person or lying about what was said.

Miss Manners does not share the common belief that truth annuls all sins committed in its name. If you are willing to own the statement and apologize for it, you are to be applauded. But you should not be booed if you plead ignorance and run for the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will attend the wedding of the son of a close friend. The ceremony will be at 6 p.m. with a reception to follow. While the invitation does not say “black tie,” I just found out the bride is expecting guests to wear long dresses/tuxedos.

When I mentioned that the invitation does not mention a dress code, the mother of the groom said, “The bride assumes that everyone will know that a 6 p.m. wedding is a formal event and dress accordingly.”

The wedding is out of state with a two-day hotel stay required in a fairly pricey city. We were not planning on purchasing/renting formal attire. If the bride wanted a “black tie” event, shouldn’t the invitation have communicated that? Will we be in error if we do not dress formally?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners agrees it is reasonable to assume that a wedding is a formal occasion, she has noticed that brides who make too many unwarranted assumptions about their future life are more likely to come to a bad end.

Here, her assumptions are lacking. When formality was taken for granted, it meant white tie and tails, not black tie. To wear a dark suit, rather than a dinner jacket, should be acceptable. As the other guests may have even less information about the bride’s expectations, that may even be the safer course.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.