Gift makes club member feel like worker

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I am in charge of our duplicate bridge group: making annual schedules, scoring the score sheets, planning the annual luncheon, distributing prizes, etc. At the luncheon for the two years I have been in charge, the ladies have given me a gift.

The first year, it was a thank-you card with a gift card to a restaurant . The second year, it was a thankyou card with cash .

These gifts make me feel more like an employee than a peer. In part, this is because I play bridge with many of these ladies at a country club once a week, and at Christmas, they give a Christmas card with cash to the lady who waits on us.

Am I wrong to feel that way?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends explaining that, while you appreciate the sentiment, you do not expect anything in return. The criticism will be heightened and softened when you break out the bridge supplies you have purchased for the group with the cash.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I throw dinner parties. When guests walk in, I always offer them a beverage, and I make sure that a bottle of wine is always open.

I never pour anyone a second drink.i do not like to be asked repeatedly if I want more wine or have someone top off my glass if I do not want any more.

I thought this was fine, but the other night, a friend made a comment about it.

GENTLE READER: One should not refill a glass without permission, but serving is part of the function of a host.

Miss Manners has good news: A private party is not a restaurant. The pace of refill offers need not exactly keep pace with the level of each glass. The person who is breastfeeding for the first offer can be assumed to be doing so for the rest of the evening, as can the guest who declines for other reasons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The bride is insisting on men’s wearing tuxes to a daytime wedding, even those not in the wedding party.

Does this mean we should follow her wishes? If some of us cannot afford the rental, should we decline the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners does not give anyone license to misbehave, being a good host is an even sterner duty than being a good guest.

The hostess — and by extension, the bride — is expected to concern herself about the feelings of the guests. A dark suit is acceptable at black-tie events and functions where black-tie would be inappropriate — such as daytime weddings.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.