Thank-you notes burden for ill honoree

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a “scarf party” for someone who has breast cancer, the invitation read as essentially a bridal or baby shower: Come and bring scarves, hats, frozen meals, etc. to make life easier for her.

I was thrilled to shower the recipient with love as she faces serious medical problems.

When the party turned to opening gifts, the hostess sat down to take notes on who gave what (presumably for thank-you notes). I told the hostess, “Oh, don’t make her write thank-you notes!” She replied, “All right, I’ll write them.”

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t think this is acceptable , but because of the nature of the occasion, it doesn’t seem right to say, “Let’s throw a party to try to make your life a little easier!” but then, “I know you are going through a lot, but you’d better write all these notes!”

It was a lovely occasion. I feel like it gave her a boost halfway through chemo. Unfortunately, another friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer and will start chemo very soon. I would like to throw a similar party but wasn’t sure how to thank everyone.

GENTLE READER: While well-intentioned, you put your hostess in the impossible position of pointing out that she is burdening the gift recipient with writing thank-you letters, and then condemning her for the suggestion that she do it herself.

If you can suggest to your guest of honor that you are happy to help or have her dictate them to you, that might be a good compromise. But Miss Manners entreats you to do so in a way that does not either deprive her of expressing her gratitude (which she might find a pleasant distraction) or nag her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to my niece’s wedding and look forward to attending. The reply card for the reception dinner (for over 300 people) offers a preference: Check one, “filet” or “salmon.”

For the past year, I have been a vegetarian. I don’t expect my family to remember that. How would you suggest I reply?

GENTLE READER: With a new card. The proper response to a wedding invitation is a handwritten reply, not a checked-off menu list, even if it was solicited and provided.

Miss Manners suggests you ignore the menu question and send your response to the more important one — “are you attending?” — without the reply card. If questioned later, you may say that while you are a vegetarian, you are sure there will be plenty to eat.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.