Home-schooling parent faces judgment

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family belongs to a segment of the population about which there seem to be many misconceptions. Specifically, we are home-schoolers.

I believe I know how to deal with any harsh criticism, but I am at a loss for how to deal with what seems to be genuine interest but turns into a test of whether I am fulfilling an unwritten set of standards that nonhome-schoolers seem to have. They seem to think, for example, that we do better in “co-ops,” which are optional and not liked by all.

I would not normally wish for relatives and old friends to feel they could not ask us about our lives, but I can predict how each conversation will go as soon as I hear the question, “Has she started school?”

Concerns over the acquisition of playmates and my readiness for the long-term commitment will inevitably be expressed, and I will begin to feel my home-school has a self-appointed principal, who is not thrilled with my performance.

If I answer the questions sincerely, I seem to be acknowledging the role of the other person as an appropriate judge, while most other answers would make me appear defensive. I have given a great deal of thought to the benefits of home-schooling, and yet I would never question other parents’ choice to send their children to public school.

Would it be harsh to head off these conversations before they begin?

GENTLE READER: It is never a good idea to enter a conversation looking for a fight.

But if the seemingly inevitable line of inquiry ensues, Miss Manners encourages you to say, “We are teaching our children at home, which we have found unequivocally to be the best method for us. There is a lot of literature on the subject if you are interested.”

And then change the subject.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to a wedding shower states it is a “no hostess shower,” and guests are required to send a check for $50 to cover the brunch and group gift. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but that sounds distasteful.

My husband and I were only recently invited to the wedding, after being told we could go because some other couples couldn’t attend. What to think and do?

GENTLE READER: It could not be any more clear that this family does not count you among their principal friends. Politely decline without excuse.

Miss Manners assures you that feeling insulted by rude behavior has not gone out of fashion.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.