Signs apparent in abusive relationship
DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is getting married in seven months, and I’m worried for her. I see many red flags she’s ignoring. Because I’m old, I don’t think she will believe me.
Can you print a list of warning signs of an abusive matesoicangiveittoher?— Perceptive In Pennsylvania
DEAR PERCEPTIVE: Gladly, because it could be a lifesaver.
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly.
(3) CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says,“you’rehurtingmeby not doing what I tell you.”
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
(10) “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantlycriticizesorsaysblatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.
(15)THREATSOFVIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really meanit.”
Anyone at risk should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or thehotline.org.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.