Keeping illness secret impacts others

DEAR ABBY: I’m writing in response to the man who wants to keep his cancer prognosis secret until he nears the end (“Keeping It to Myself ”).

My mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer that had spread to her brain. She didn’t want to tell anyone for a while (which surprised me), but she ended up telling. It was the best thing she could have done.

The four of us kids were there through her treatments, she became much closer to the sister she had spent decades hating, and she found out who her true friends were. Mom lived four years. It’s still raw for me.

But I’m grateful for the time we had to get closer.

I hope “Keeping” tells his friends. If he does, he may find these hard times to be some of the “best” times. — Claudia in New Jersey

DEAR CLAUDIA: Thank you for sharing. I opened the question to my readers, and like you, most agreed with my answer:

DEAR ABBY: As a former cancer patient and licensed therapist, I’d urge “Keeping” not to share if he doesn’t want to. Truth is, not all people will be supportive. Some will avoid him, and others will say amazingly unhelpful things. Two years is a long time for people to react — and for him to handle their reactions. I found it stressful to cope with the emotions of others. Until “Keeping” is ready, he should be cautious about with whom he shares his diagnosis. —

Lyn in New York

DEAR ABBY: After chemo and clinical trials failed to contain my husband’s cancer, he was told he had less than a year. We had shared the initial prognosis with family and friends. Loved ones have visited him, called and emailed. Their visits have done more for his quality of life than any drug, and have probably extended it.

He has also made once-ina-lifetime trips with siblings. Our adult children and grandchildren have spent more time with us and have become more loving and tolerant. “Keeping’s” next two years are a blessing and a gift. I hope he uses every moment wisely. — Debra in Texas

DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation, and I felt I had to tell everyone in our circle. The result was a warm outpouring of support, even from neighbors we barely knew, which particularly helped my wife.

I have been very fortunate. My new treatment worked, I am now in remission, and we no longer need day-today support. But we have wonderful memories of people who were eager to help. We have established deeper friendships, and the experience has made US more generous. — Mike in Oregon

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.