‘Too much thanking’? Not in this world

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I have noticed that you are big on thank-you notes for everything.

You stay the night, you send a thank-you note.

You have dinner with somebody, you send a note.

You receive a gift, you send a note.

If I was expecting a thankyou note from everybody who ever spent the night at my house, I would have to get a mailbox the size of a midsized car. My teenager had company all the time, and I was always thanked and hugged. I never expected a written note. That would be overkill, because the same people were present 80 percent of the time.

Same with gifts. Same with dinner. I never sent notes, and my friends never did . We were happy with a verbal “thank you.”

Why is it so important to send a note? Isn’t that just a little too much thanking?

My house and all my friends’ houses are open doors. We never have formal dinners; we have great fellowship at our get-togethers with lots of laughing and warm feelings.

I do send a thank-you email to my family when they host a big holiday party, and I let them know they did a great job and all was appreciated. Can you help me understand why I differ in my responses to my friends?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if you give Miss Manners one moment to ponder a world in which there is “too much thanking.” She is having trouble imagining such a thing.

The rule for thanking people for presents is to respond in kind. If someone sends one through the mail and is not there to see you open it, you send a letter. For ones handed out in person, verbal thanks are generally enough (unless it is a significant piece of jewelry or an otherwise extraordinary present).

For meals and overnight stays, it is dependent on the ceremony of the occasion. A formal dinner party requires a formal, written thankyou note. Pizza back at the house does not.

An open house situation, such as you described, is middle ground. Since there is ample reciprocation with you and your friends, verbal thanks are generally enough. However, if that situation were to become one-sided and a guest stayed for a longer period of time, a letter of thanks — and even a present, for which the receiver would then have to thank the sender — would again be required.

Whew. Got all that? Complicated as it may sound, it really is not. And Miss Manners still maintains that it is far better than a world without gratitude.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.