Mom ‘pre-returns’ son’s birthday presents

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister sent out text invitations for her older son’s eighth birthday party. Included was a note requesting all presents be delivered, unwrapped, at least two days before the party. (The note explained she had a huge pile of leftover wrapping paper and wanted to save everyone the trouble and expense.)

I purchased a building set my nephew had mentioned and dropped the toy off the day before the party. My sister was annoyed the present was “late,” but accepted it.

On the day of the party, the boy sat down to open his gifts, and the gift from me was not the one I purchased. Apparently, that was the case for a number of gifts.

My sister requested the presents early to “pre-return them for something more appropriate” (her words). In some cases, the gifts were “too cheap.” In my case, she thought her “talented boy would do better” with a more complicated building set. My sister is in utter disbelief that anyone was offended, since she thinks she did us all a favor.

It seems a shame to punish the kids because their mother has lost her mind, but I have very little inclination to go to the trouble of purchasing gifts for anyone in that family again, and I am not a fan of gift cards.

May I have a polite response, please, to give when my sister next demands gifts? At the moment, the only reply I can think of involves four-letter words, which I should keep to myself.

GENTLE READER: Rather than waiting for an opportunity to issue those four-letter words, Miss Manners proposes that you initiate the present-giving before your sister gets the chance to put restrictions.

“This year, my present will be to take Bennett shopping for it himself.” This reinforces the idea you and your nephew have your own relationship — and other ideas about what he might like to receive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Soon after my daughter’s wedding “Save the Date” cards were sent, a guest called to say his family will be on a safari and cannot attend. Do we still send an invitation? While he effectively gave his RSVP, it seems harsh to drop him from the guest list.

GENTLE READER: And yet equally awkward for him to feel that he must respond to it. However, in case his plans change, Miss Manners suggests you send an invitation, scribbling on it by hand, “Bon voyage! We’ll miss you at the wedding. Let’s get together afterwards and exchange photos.”

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.