Boyfriend unconvinced woman is asexual
DEAR ABBY: I’m 22, and my boyfriend wants sex. I don’t feel sexual desire. I’m asexual, but he insists my “past relations have scarred me” and that I “need to get over it.”
When I was 17, I was raped, and it traumatized me. But I honestly don’t feel any need for sex. I never have.
This has become a problem because my boyfriend keeps pushing for it. Last year, we had sex on his birthday, but I froze up. I couldn’t make myself refuse, but he doesn’t seem to understand that.
His birthday is coming up, and he wants to have sex again. What am I supposed to do? — No Desire in the South
DEAR NO DESIRE: Whether your lack of desire is related to the rape or you are naturally asexual is something no one can answer without a mental health professional seeing and evaluating you. However, I can say this: If you don’t want to have sex, don’t do it.
There has been some conjecture that because we live in such an oversexualized society that some individuals have become desensitized to it. However, it might benefit you to find a rape counseling center and talk to a counselor.
DEAR ABBY: After dating a guy I’ll call Charlie for two years, I broke up with him. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I know I can’t change anything, but we have started talking again, and Charlie told me he planned to propose to me the day I dumped him.
We have been discussing starting over. He’s about to go across the country for college, and he asked me to move with him. Of course I said yes!
When I asked Charlie when we’d make us official, he said he has to focus on college first. I don’t want to wait two to four years to begin our lives. Why would he want me to move with him and hold off being official? And what’s the difference between being his fiancee moving with him and being a “friend” moving with him? I don’t want to lose him again. — Starting Over in the East
DEAR STARTING OVER: The difference between being a girlfriend and being Charlie’s fiancee is night and day. What do you plan to do when you get there? Get a job? Go to college ? Who is going to support you financially?
As a girlfriend, you will have far less status than if you were engaged. If he met someone else, you could be discarded like a gum wrapper. Please talk to your parents or some other adult relatives. Charlie isn’t ready for marriage — or even a committed relationship. You may not want to lose him, but the surest way to do that would be to do what you are planning.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.