Repeat absences upset softball manager

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I manage and play for a men’s softball team. It involves a lot of work, time and tribulation to ensure enough players come to the games.

A player who joined a year and a half ago committed to coming several times but did not arrive and did not tell us he was not coming. Once, we called him from the field and he informed us in an indignant way that he was working at the office.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Jordan?”

“Well, *I* have to work,” he said. “I don’t know about the other guys. Maybe they have schedules that allow them a lot of time off.”

I took him off the email list. My co-manager, however, asked Jordan to come to a practice and bet me a beer that he would come through. He had promised him twice, after all.

Guess who won?

I sent Jordan a text message that night, saying, “Thanks for the beer.” That’s all.

Oh boy, was Jordan insulted. He messaged me back with an indignant “I was at work until 9:30 at night,” and the next day left a voice message demanding an apology.

He called me a few days later and told me he didn’t like my attitude, and that he thinks I don’t want him on the team. I’m not so hot about it, but there have been times when we could have used him. So I told him that he says one thing, and doesn’t follow through. We can’t manage a team like that.

Should I apologize for that text message? Should I ignore him? I don’t really want him on the team, as it has become more trouble than it’s worth, but should I allow him to “repent” and rejoin?

GENTLE READER: You have pitched Miss Manners softball questions (you can pass off the taunting as kidding) rather than the hard one to which you really need an answer.

She is not the one you need to convince not to let Jordan back on the team. You need to convince your co-manager. The reason corporations and sports clubs give for establishing policies about attendance and behavior is so that everyone knows what is expected of them. A level playing field, as the saying goes.

Those policies also absolve managers of making excruciating decisions. Work out general rules with your club and co-manager — how many absences lead to a suspension, how long a suspension lasts, and so on — and apply them in each specific case. This will also help you avoid childish arguments over whether someone’s reasons for being perpetually absent without warning are morally superior.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.