Coping with grief brings about change

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When two acquaintances passed away, neither had a published an obituary. Not on social media, not at any funeral home website, not in a newspaper. No information was sent by mail. It made me sad that the story of their lives would go unmarked, but it also made it impossible to send flowers to any service or make a donation of their choosing.

Has this become too expensive? Or are obituaries just old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Death rituals are changing, but what Miss Manners mostly sees is the opposite of your experience: celebratory parties; collections of flowers, balloons and teddy bears; even the re-staging of a favorite activity of the deceased.

Some speakers are skillful in evoking examples of important qualities and charming foibles. Others prefer to talk about how much their late friend admired them. But all this began to turn into entertainment and now often evolves into celebrations where mourning is supposed to be banished in favor of appreciation.

Miss Manners doesn’t wonder that the bereaved are confused and may not be up to orchestrating such events. However, ritual is of great importance and comfort when dealing with overwhelming emotion. Without a focus point, there is no outlet to express grief or offer sympathy.

What is needed is a combination of the personal, where the individual’s contributions and qualities are recognized, and the traditional, in which the inevitable tragedy of death is acknowledged.

What is unbearable is the thought that someone can leave life without a trace.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I am an adult who is not on social media. My theory is, if you love me, you’ll call me. I don’t feel the need to see what everyone is doing 24 hours a day.

I sat the other night with three women who continually checked their phones, showing me pictures of people I don’t care about.

Apparently it showed on my face, because one of the girls called me the next day to see if I was OK. I did not say anything; I know I should. I realize that they feel social media is important to keeping up with people, but there is a place and time.

GENTLE READER: One friend did call you when she saw that you were upset. Of course you should have told her — instead of Miss Manners — why. You should tell all of them.

It is not insulting to say, “I really would like to be with you. Can we have a nophones meal where we can talk without interruptions?”

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.