Boyfriend’s marriage spurs long f ights

DEAR ABBY: I spent the past 11 years in an emotionally and physically abusive on-again, off-again relationship. I finally got out.

I am now deeply in love with an amazing new man. There is only one problem: He’s married.

I knew he was married, but, Abby, the marriage was phony. The girl used him to become a legal U.S. citizen. She’s now back in her home country, apparently “married” and has a family with someone else, but my boyfriend is still married to her.

I don’t know the legalities, but he still isn’t filing for divorce, even though he’s constantly telling me he will. I have been with him for almost three years now, and I’m tired of wasting my time. I have never been married, and he married this woman less than a year after meeting her.

He keeps telling me how “full of myself ” I am, and/or that I have nothing to worry about. I have tried giving him ultimatums, but we get into arguments that last for hours. — Anxious in Arizona

DEAR ANXIOUS: If the life you want includes marriage and children, by now you should realize your “ideal man” is not prepared to give you what you need. He’s using the “phony” marriage — if it even exists — to avoid making a commitment to you, and talking circles around you (filibustering!) so he can maintain the status quo. I’m pretty sure you already know what you have to do.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have to go away for a couple of days, and we need someone to watch one of our children for a night. I’m taking my older daughter to a travel tournament, and my wife had a previously planned trip out of town that same weekend. I asked my sister to stay with our other daughter and our dogs in our home because I thought it would be nice for them to spend some time together. She rebuffed me because “it’s the mother’s responsibility to find someone.”

I have never heard of such a thing. I felt like I was transported back to the 1950s. To me, family is family. Why would it matter if my family came and watched my child as opposed to my wife’s family? We are not talking right now because of this issue. — Back in Time

DEAR BACK IN TIME: Could your sister have been offended that your wife didn’t call and ask for that favor? Or does she dislike your wife for some reason? She was not obligated to agree to baby-sit your child, but for the reason you stated, it would have been nice and an opportunity to bond with the girl. From now on, leave your sister out of the baby-sitting equation, unless she volunteers.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. Dearabby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.