Use of gendered terms causing unease
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a group of people who share similar interests and who educate others about these interests through public performances.
I am a-gender and use they/them pronouns. My first time at these meetings, I included my pronouns on my name tag but didn’t say anything aloud. To my surprise, they were not only consistently honored by the group leader, but on a break, a few other members added their pronouns to their own name tags.
There is one member of the group, however, that consistently uses the wrong pronouns for me, as well as referring to me as a girl or woman. I have always put my pronouns on my badge, never referred to myself as a woman (or any other gendered terms), and the rest of the group has always done the same.
If it was just a matter of the pronouns, I would let it slide because I know that many people see such an identity as “fake” or a ploy for attention. But this person seems to aggressively associate me with being a woman.
The group is not about gender or queer politics, and I don’t want to disrupt the conversations on topics I enjoy with something that seems so unrelated. And I wouldn’t want to disrespect this person by using the wrong pronouns or name for her, just to make a point.
How do I politely let her know I’m not a woman while neither rebuffing compliments or attempts at camaraderie, nor “starting with that gay stuff,” which is a response I’ve received at least once when sheepishly and gently letting someone know I’m not female? Other responses have ranged from brief apologies and corrections to rants about political correctness to questions about my private anatomy, so you can imagine why I am hesitant.
GENTLE READER: Deflect. “Yes, women do need to stick together. I am so glad that there are such strong ones in this group.” And then Miss Manners suggests that you enlist one such member to take the other aside and explain.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: After dishes and utensils have been duly washed and dried, where is the proper place for them to be stored, if one is concerned with proper decorum and good taste?
GENTLE READER: In the drawer? This feels like a trick question. Or one for which Miss Manners suspects the answer will be purposefully slapped on the breakfast counter in front of an unwitting spouse in order to resolve an ongoing grievance.
So … you win?
Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.