Pandemic no excuse to scrap etiquette

GENTLE READERS: Minding other people’s business, which has always been a major etiquette hazard, has taken on the noble mantle of ministering to public health. To the extent that people are out and about, there are also vigilantes who are vehemently scolding strangers, if not making citizens’ arrests.

The rationale is that etiquette is suspended in an emergency.

Well, yes and no. Miss Manners does not quibble with suspending the rule against shouting at strangers when the occasion arises to shout “Help!” But that is a request and not an insult.

In the opposite situation, when one seems to be in danger from others, tact is required — for the sake of being effective, as well as respectful.

We all know the rules about staying home when sick, keeping our distance and washing our hands. They must be enforced.

But that does not give license to the sort of people who, under normal conditions, would be telling you that you are too fat or too thin, that you should get married or divorced, that you should change jobs or retire, and have or stop having children.

What they are doing now is summarily ordering people to go home, without knowledge of why they are out. Even strict quarantines recognize the need to buy food and medicine, to exercise and to tend to those in severe need.

And never mind that those disciplinarians are outside themselves, or they wouldn’t be within shouting distance.

We all also know that coughing can be lethal.

But as any performer can tell you, there are plenty of coughs that don’t harm others, but may arise from asthma, acid reflux or allergies — or from simply being in an audience. Targeting such people as public enemies is as unhelpful as it is mean. Yes, even at symphony concerts.

But what about those who actually are breaking the basic rules? Then it takes tact to be effective. Reforming strangers only works when it assumes mistaken goodwill (“I think we need more distance here — that’s not 6 feet”) and allows them to comply without enduring public embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I gave my cousin’s son a gift of a 1950s tackle box with many vintage fishing lures. I guess it was not much appreciated, because I never received a thank-you. What can I do about that?

GENTLE READER: Not throw good tackle after bad. Miss Manners believes that ignoring presents is a sign that they are unwelcome.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.