Elephant in the room: Friend’s red hat

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m one member of a group of six longtime neighbors — 35-plus years, all men, ranging in age from 65 to 78. We take turns scheduling a monthly breakfast or dinner outing so we can meet up, enjoy a good meal and maybe a drink.

So far, we’ve been doing this for over five years with very good success — despite the fact that, politically, we are in two camps (we don’t discuss religion). However, one member of our group has taken to wearing his red, pro-president hat whenever we meet. And this same person can be quick-tempered and defensive.

For me, this hat is very offensive for all it stands for, and it’s also a sort of an in-your-face insertion of politics. He also claims to be quite religious, reminding us repeatedly about how he holds Bible studies at his house.

I’ve rehearsed multiple ways that I could address this at our outings, but no amount of rehearsing makes me think that a blowout wouldn’t ensue. I’d like to stay with the group and not lose a long-term relationship with him, nor with anyone else who chooses to take sides. I don’t want it to become a “what side are you on” type of outcome.

GENTLE READER: These days, there are people on every side of every issue who feel as you do about avoiding controversy.

The problem is usually ascribed to partisanship. The problem is not that you and your friend have a strong disagreement; it is that you do not know how, or when, to put aside your differences.

Of course he has the right to form his own political opinions. But he has violated the tacit agreement not to introduce politics into your social setting.

Search out a member of the group who agrees with your friend politically, but with you on the desire to keep the group going. If you can convince that person that introducing politics will end the friendships, then he may be able to convince your hat-toting friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to eat pancakes? Should you cut the whole pancake into bite-size pieces or cut just one bite at a time?

GENTLE READER: The latter. Unless you are cutting them on behalf of someone who needs smaller pieces.

In that case, Miss Manners gives you fair warning that having the pieces pre-cut is infinitely preferable to cleaning up sticky, syrup-y hands when that person inevitably gives up and tries to pick up the pancake whole.

Submit your etiquette questions to Miss Manners at dearmissmanners@gmail. com.