Parent’s stinging self-insult riles kid

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I did a DNA test and found out that I am not biologically related to one of my parents, who passed on some years ago. This was confirmed by my other parent, to whom I am biologically related.

I am pretty much reconciled to the situation now. However, one thing does bother me.

In one of our conversations, my surviving parent referred to themselves with a horrible slur. I informed them that I certainly didn’t think of them that way and that I never wanted to hear them refer to themselves that way ever again. I then pointed out that if I ever heard tell of someone else calling them that, that person would get a swift slap upside the head.

I am certain that Miss Manners would disapprove of the action (though not the reason). Could you please suggest what would be the appropriate alternative?

GENTLE READER: To slapping someone in the face? Pretty much any of the other options. Interesting psychology there, too, that people who insult themselves are not then worthy of the effort of hitting someone else who does so.

Miss Manners is indeed aware of your good, if misguided intentions: to get people to stop calling themselves incendiary names. In place of physical harm, she suggests, “I’ll kindly ask you to refrain from insulting the person responsible for my existence, who I happen to hold in the highest esteem, and to whom I am extremely grateful for any behavior which caused my birth.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 19-year-old daughter is wonderful in many ways. She is attending a university on academic scholarships and getting excellent grades. The problem is that she seemingly always dresses provocatively.

I understand there are times when a young woman wants to look alluring. I have tried to talk to her. She only gets defensive. What can I say or do?

GENTLE READER: Itisa teenager’s destiny to spend that time dressed inappropriately.

But Miss Manners encourages you not to succumb to the idea that one should dress modestly so as not to give others “the wrong idea.” That notion is insulting and outdated.

Instead, she suggests that you appeal to your daughter’s sense of professionalism. “You know, soon you will be applying for internships and jobs, and knowing how to dress for the job that you want can be so important. Connections can be formed anywhere, so you might be wise to start practicing now.”