Woman doesn’t want to see funeral photos
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
My husband’s aunt recently died. Due to Covid-related restrictions on the size of gatherings, I did not attend the funeral. A family member in attendance sent me a number of private messages on social media with descriptions and pictures of the service, including a picture of the deceased in her casket.
I am sure she meant this kindly and intended for me to feel included in an important family ritual, but I was absolutely aghast to receive picture after picture of a funeral service. I didn’t know how to respond in the moment, and frankly, I still don’t.
Because of some unfortunate health issues on that side of the family, I think it’s rather likely I should encounter the same situation again soon. How does one politely request not to be included in events in this way?
GENTLE READER: Turn off your notifications. And stay off of social media. If this results in other forms of private communications, Miss Manners finds it perfectly reasonable for you to tell family members, “I appreciate your desire to keep me included, but I find it upsetting to see Aunt Tete in this way. Perhaps you could instead send me any photos you have from when she was still alive — so that I can better enjoy the memory.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS:
We have a small, caring team at work. Co-workers are getting married, and my reply is due shortly. The event is 100+ people. I have just learned that the bride and groom are not vaccinated, and that the event is indoors.
While I would enjoy watching them wed while wearing my N95 mask, dining and dancing would be impossible. The wedding and reception are at the same venue, and I suspect having me slip away after the vows and RSVP “no” to the dinner reception would not be received in the light intended — namely, “I want to be there to celebrate your wedding, but this darned pandemic raises so many differences in how we each feel about exposure.”
My own vaccination is not 100% complete, and I have elder care responsibilities. What is my best hope for a gracious compromise? Or should I just decline?
GENTLE READER: “I would love to come to the wedding itself, but I am afraid that health care responsibilities prevent me from staying afterwards.” This phrasing, Miss Manners notes, puts the burden of responsibility on you and not necessarily on the couple — who can use their alternate guest list.