Compliment sandwich diminishes reality of racism
Iam not very good at taking criticism. Some of those closest to me may (will) even say that I am terrible at it. Though I will (must) say that I think those people are exaggerating a bit. When I feel criticized, I get defensive. Internally, walls are built. Sometimes, my heart starts to race. I get feelings of “fight or flight.” I must protect the castle from the assault. Whatever it takes. Things can get ugly.
As you can imagine, my difficulty with accepting criticism has caused my wife considerable stress. Though I will (must) say, she will recognize that I have gotten better. As she may (will) tell it, when she has an issue that she would like to discuss about our relationship, she must be very careful with how she discusses the issue.
I would tell my wife that, given my sensitivity, as well as my chosen profession, word choice (and order) are vitally important. Criticism makes me defensive. Therefore, the key is figuring out how to articulate an issue without it feeling like criticism.
In response, my wife tried to sandwich criticism between two praises. This method is called the “feedback sandwich.” The idea being that I would be more receptive to criticism if it were packaged in this way. As my wife later described it to me, she felt like she was wrapping up medicine in a ball of meat to get a dog (me) to eat it.
Suffice it to say, the feedback sandwich didn’t work. No matter how the criticism was packaged, this clever dog smelled it.
Eventually, it got to the point where I had to acknowledge that the problem was not the sandwich. The problem was me. Healthy relationships require open lines of communication. And the openness of those lines cannot be dependent upon the kind of communication being offered.
At its base level, being open to praise and closed to criticism allows one to preserve a positive image of oneself. However, it damages a relationship, as it unfairly forces one party to shoulder the brunt of the negative aspects of the relationship alone. Two parties bathe in the sunlight. Only one endures the rain.
On Sunday, I read an article about the life of legendary and trailblazing architect Robertp. Madison. The article was entitled “Architect Robert P. Madison, 100, calls America ‘unbelievably wonderful’ despite racism: Black History Month.”
The headline, in my view, is a microcosm of the conversation on racism in America.
When discussing racism, it feels like the conversation needs to be sandwiched. One cannot simply say “Racism has been a part of America since its beginning and continues to inform and affect the present.” Instead, one has to say, “America is great, with limitless opportunities for those willing to work hard. It has a problem with racism, but you can still succeed if you have the necessary fortitude because America is the land of the free.”
Racism needs to be discussed in this way because Americans, particularly white Americans, tend to become defensive when racism is discussed. Sociologist and author Robin Diangelo discussed this phenomenon in her 2018 book, “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism.” According to a 2023 article on Diangelo’s findings, some of the common ideas expressed by those in her training sessions on white privilege include, “Racism ended with slavery,” and, “I’ve struggled in my life, so I’m not privileged.”
Whenever I write a column about racism, I receive similar defensive responses. I’m sure more will be fired off to me after this one. Responses range from condescending, “Everything isn’t always about race,” to angry. I can’t quote those emails here, but I can say that they generally contain a lot of “n-words” with the “hard r” on them. Some even have the gall to call me racist for writing “so much” about racism.
I’m here to tell you that the sandwich method doesn’t work for talking about race. Americans, like yours truly, are clever dogs that will pick up the scent of the medicine, no matter what package it is wrapped in. Too many Americans don’t take criticism well. They believe that racism doesn’t exist, and if it does, its prevalence is greatly overexaggerated. Besides … we’ve all got problems. Deal with it. America is the best country on Earth.
These responses allow people to preserve the positive images they have of themselves and this country. However, it damages the relationship that African Americans have with their fellow Americans because these responses unfairly force us to shoulder the burden of racism alone. We celebrated together as Americans when Osama bin Laden was killed. African Americans mourn alone when another unarmed one of us is killed by police. Or disciplined for wearing our natural hair. Or sued to near extinction for funding Black-owned businesses.
Americans need to acknowledge, like yours truly, that the problem is not the conversation. The problem is not people like me who talk about racism. The problem is you. And until you are changed, nothing will be.
We all should continue to hold up examples of Black excellence like Robert P. Madison. However, let us not use his fascinating story as a means to preserve the mythology of America’s greatness. We can talk about that another time. Instead, let us cite Madison’s story as evidence of his own greatness, and sit in wonderment at how he achieved what he did despite the racism he faced at nearly every step. Then, let us acknowledge that the racism Madison faced is not gone. It is still here, wearing different clothing and using different words.
If you truly desire a healthy relationship with people who look like me, please take that last paragraph to heart. Accept that criticism. Internalize it. Process it. Then get to work on fixing it.
You can get a sandwich at Subway.