‘I know about you’
Dear Annie: My love and I are both about 70 years old. My love, “Marjorie,” belongs to a community service group, which she has been in now for 30 years. Her husband died four years ago.
Marjorie dated “Arthur,” who is from her community group, for a year. They broke up, and about four months later, we started dating.
When Arthur and Marjorie separated, they agreed to keep each other’s secret. He is addicted to pornography, and she is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every time Arthur and Marjorie see each other at weekly community meetings or social events, Arthur thinks Marjorie is protecting his secret and putting it above our relationship. I want to tell Arthur, politely, that I know the secret, thereby making our relationship first and the secret second. Marjorie will not let me do it. What to do? — Angry
Dear Angry: Simmer down. Marjorie is right. You should absolutely not say anything to Arthur. She probably shouldn’t have told you about Arthur’s issue in the first place. But the fact that she shared such an intimate secret with you shows that she really trusts you. Why isn’t that enough? Do you really need to hold something over Arthur’s head to feel good about your relationship?
It sounds as if you have some deep-seated insecurity issues that have nothing to do with Marjorie or Arthur. Reflect on that and try to feel more comfortable in your own skin. If you let jealousy drive your decision-making, you’re headed for a wreck.
Dear Annie: I disagree with your reply to “Senior in Connecticut,” who asked you to weigh in on those who address senior citizens as “honey,” “sweetie” and other such terms. You replied, “It’s all in the tone. Yes, it can be demeaning and rude.” But you also said that the words are “terms of endearment” and that one should “take into account the speaker’s intention.”
When I am called “hon” or “sweetie” by people I am seeing in a professional capacity, such as medical personnel with whom I have no close relationship, they have no right whatsoever to use “terms of endearment” with me. And a supervisor has no business using such terms with employees. “Terms of endearment” are just that — terms reserved for those close and dear to us. I would never dream of calling my doctor “dearie.” What gives him the right to think he is free to call me that?
The practice is rampant nowadays, and it is nothing but rude and demeaning. Those who have let themselves adopt the habit of using such terms need to stop immediately. Period. These people should ask themselves, “Would I address the first lady or president in that way?” If the answer is no — and I pray no one would do such a thing — they have no business addressing someone with whom they do not have a close relationship in that manner, no matter the person’s age. — Seething in the Great Plains