Daughter takes precedence

Dear Annie: What is wrong with me? I truly don’t know what to do. I have a boyfriend of five years, and for five years, I have watched him pursue his daughter daily.

He texts her several times daily. He knows where she is every minute, whom she is with and what her plans are. He would drive 45 minutes to walk her dogs for her because she is working. He knows all her friends and stays in touch with them, too. He seeks them out if he goes back to where they used to live. She was living with him when he and I met, but a year later, she got a place of her own. However, several times since, she has moved in and out of his place. He always wants to save a place for her in church, and when she overslept and didn’t make it one time, he spent the entire service craning his neck looking for her. Their goodbyes resemble those said by people who may never see each other again.

Annie, this man and I are in our 70s. His daughter, who has never married, is 50. He and his ex-wife have been divorced for five years. He and his daughter are very secretive about their conversations, and I have no place in their life as a third wheel.

He still works a full-time job in a very demanding position, but if he doesn’t see her at least once a week, he has withdrawals. I am so mad about it that I refuse to marry him. I have talked to him about this till I am blue in the face, and he knows why I won’t marry him, as she will always come first. He just says, “She’s my daughter.”

I really don’t love him anymore, as I don’t see any future knowing he will drop everything to rush to her side for any reason. But walking out again is stressing me out, too. Any advice? — Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel: Your boyfriend is exhibiting signs of extreme codependency with his daughter. That kind of toxicity can’t be contained to just one area of his life. It spills into all others, including his relationship with you. Therapy might help him change. But he doesn’t seem to want to. You deserve much better, and I think you know it. You would be happier on your own than witnessing this man obsessively try to control his daughter for the rest of his life. You are not a third wheel; you are a valuable and important human being. Anyone who makes you feel lesser doesn’t deserve your time.

Dear Annie: This is a response to the letter from “Sudden Loss for Words in TN,” who asked about the best response to a suicide. My family has been through that situation. The worst thing for the family are insensitive questions, spoken or implied. For example, “Why?” “Didn’t you know?” “Why didn’t you do something?” You never know the depth of someone’s inner pain and struggle, because it’s not obvious. The best thing is to remember something good about the person: “I remember when he and I...” “I remember when he...” That person had a life, even though it ended so unexpectedly. But the important thing is that he lived, not how he died. — Been There