Ten New Year’s resolutions for the rest of you

Ah, the New Year. A fresh start. A sparkling shiny new beginning.

The January air absolutely reeks of potential and it’s time for New Year’s resolutions. Since I see no need to make resolutions for myself due to my excellent self-discipline and the fact I’ve achieved every goal I’ve ever set out to accomplish, I’ve decided to make a list of 10 New Year’s resolutions for the rest of you people. You’re welcome.

1. Drivers who block city streets as they wait in line for coffee at Starbucks will resolve to combine two resolutions by actually getting out of their car and walking into the place thereby no longer blocking traffic and getting some exercise at the same time.

2. The city will resolve to add much needed revenue to the coffers before the end of the rainy season by utilizing the flooded DeBenedetti Park as the base for the first Lodi International Triathlon. Competitors will swim the length of the park’s south “pool,” dodging water fowl and soccer balls, bike ride up Lower Sacramento Road to Hobby Lobby (it will be open by then), purchase a Bob Ross “Happy Tree” painting kit, run a 26.2 block marathon (Kettleman Lane through the Bank of Rio Vista lobby down Mills Avenue between the dumpsters at Sandcreek Apartments down to Harney to the finish underneath the picnic table at the beef jerky stand on Lower Sac and Harney).

It will be an interesting exhibition of prowess and prowling.

3. The 49ers will resolve to not only keep a head coach for more than one season, they will actually beat a team that isn’t spelled R-A-M-S. Any other team. Just one.

4. Those folks who quietly shelved their Giants gear and now wear Chicago Cubs hoodies and hats and Tshirts everywhere from church on Sunday to their daughter’s graduation from UOP will resolve to publicly identify the next bandwagon they intend to jump onto in fiscal year 2017-2018. Me thinks it will involve the colors Silver and Black.

5. The people who came up with the single-use plastic bag ban idea will resolve to help at least one senior citizen a day load their groceries back into their cart and into their car.

6. A committed person with a clean criminal record will resolve to find the guy who sings that “My Hero, Zero” song on the Volkswagen commercial and give him a charley horse in the right leg.

7. Hollywood actors will resolve to sit and watch a three-hour television show where San Joaquin County residents give each other awards and tell them how they should live.

8. Someone will resolve to explain the term “Reader’s Digest version” to the youth of today. While they’re at it, they should explain what the term “charley horse” means too.

9. The management at Chik-fil-A will resolve to put a store somewhere here in town.

10. The gardeners with blowers will resolve to move quicker and, in addition, determine where the grass they are blowing actually goes. We’ve all seen them. They’re walking along with an engine on their back as loud as a Southwest flight leaving for Burbank confidently moving from side-toside blowing the grass somewhere. But where does the grass end up? It just kind of disappears. Is there a rip in the universe where all grass clippings are blown into another dimension? And if that’s the case, how do the beings on the other end of the grass clippings black hole feel when the stuff ends up on the bridge of their space ship on its way to Pluto? I wonder…

You are hereby resolved Lodi. Good luck and Godspeed John Glenn.