Strings attached

Dear Annie: I’m seeking help and understanding of my wife’s attitudes about gifting to friends and family members.

My wife has a special sense to listen and pick out gifts people have a strong interest in. She’ll be talking to someone in August, and the person will mention something that triggers an idea for my wife for the following Christmas. I admire her ability to choose meaningful gifts.

What I wish to better understand is her desire to track the gift for the rest of time. If she gives you a flower vase, she expects to see it prominently displayed in your home each time she visits — forever!

I sometimes will suggest it’s time to make a thriftshop delivery of old clothes, but if my choices were to include a tattered sweater she gave me the first year we were dating, she might exclaim, ”Don’t you remember the special birthday I gave you that sweater?” (I have successfully removed some of those items when she’s been out of town. So far, I haven’t been caught.)

Let me be clear: She wouldn’t ever express her thoughts face to face with a recipient unless I’m the recipient — and when I am, she’ll vocalize them repeatedly to me.

I would just like to better understand why she shows this expression of being overly possessive — or not so unselfish as I would think she could be.

We get along fine. Both of us are thankful for our relationship, and she’s been an angel in combining our five grown children into a pleasant family to be around. My business boomed after our marriage, and we are financially comfortable, beyond our biggest dreams. — Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: Your wife sounds like an especially thoughtful woman who expects others to be thoughtful, too — which is all well and good, generally speaking. The problem is that her expectations are so specific. Not everyone expresses gratitude the same way.

Perhaps the friend she gave the vase to thought it was nice enough to reserve for special occasions. Whatever the case, presents that come with strings attached are more like emotional entrapment than true gifts.

Encourage your wife to cherish the gift of simply giving.

“Not everyone expresses gratitude the same way. Perhaps the friend she gave the vase to thought it was nice enough to reserve for special occasions. Whatever the case, presents that come with strings attached are more like emotional entrapment than true gifts. Encourage your wife to cherish the gift of simply giving.”

Dear Annie: Like many of your readers, I am often hurt by the thoughtless or unkind actions of others. For me, the most painful part is the lack of any apology or acknowledgment of the hurt these actions have caused. Similarly, when I share my energy and skills with others, the lack of a simple ”thank you” can be very painful, as well.

I have a coping strategy that I would like to run past you: When I feel pain from the actions above, I imagine the person in question giving me a sincere apology or heartfelt thanks. I imagine the whole conversation, with facial expressions, body language and promises to do better in the future.

This imagined conversation leaves me feeling a whole lot better. Amazingly, I also find myself feeling a little better about the people involved.

They say people behave the way you treat them and expect them to. I don’t completely buy into that theory. If you continue to let people take advantage of you, many will just keep on doing it. But if I act a little friendlier to some people, perhaps they will act better, too.

So my question to you: Is this a valuable coping strategy, or am I just deluding myself ?

I feel as if I have discovered a powerful medication, but I am not sure of all the side effects! — Living a Dream

Dear Living: I find your strategy fascinating. As long as you work at building better boundaries to avoid being trampled in the future, I see no harm in this little daydream exercise.