Woman’s family sides with her abusive ex-husband

Dear Annie: I divorced over a year ago after a 35year marriage that was very dysfunctional — although my adult children and ex-husband did not see it that way. Initially, I did not handle the divorce with any tact or finesse, I’ll admit.

I am sorry for that and have apologized, but my kids still refuse to have any contact with me. My middle daughter is extremely angry because I got the family home, and she tells me, “Dad is destroyed.”

Ironically, he has moved on and is engaged to the woman he was “seeing” while we were married. I spent most of my free time with my kids and grandkids. I thought we had a good relationship, but this divorce has shown me differently.

I have reached out to the kids and offered to go to counseling, meetings, etc., but have gotten no response. My counselor has advised me to figure out how else I can be happy in my life and move on.

I am really struggling with this! Any other advice from you or someone reading this who has been there? I am so sad and heartbroken. I wish now I would have just ignored the affair, beatings and sexual abuse just to keep my kids and grandkids in my life. — So Lost and Lonely

Dear So Lost: The last line of your letter is devastating. Leaving your husband was the right thing to do. You didn’t deserve that awful treatment, and abuse is not a price anyone should have to pay to be close to her family.

Divorce is messy. Perspectives get muddled, but clarity often comes with time. It’s only been a year, though I’m sure it’s felt like an eternity for you. Let’s hope your children will see things more clearly in the future and reach out to you.

In the meantime, commit entirely to your own healing process. Continue going to therapy, even when you feel as if it’s not working. Join a support group for victims of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse or even a support group for divorced women. (Your therapist can refer you to groups in your area.) You must learn to love yourself, first and foremost.