Husband’s hoarding, temper are straining his marriage
Dear Annie: My husband loves to read your advice, but when it comes to my giving him advice, it’s a different story. We were married in our early 20s and have somehow stayed married for over 35 years. We don’t have very good communication skills.
We have a very cute house on a popular street. A lot of people comment on how nicely it’s decorated from the outside. Little do they know that my husband is a hoarder.
I have controlled the main rooms in our house, but he has slowly taken over our basement and garage. The stress of all this stuff is starting to make me feel ill. When I bring it up, he just puts me down any way he can think of to stop the conversation about his hoarding. I definitely have accumulated “stuff ” — we’ve lived in our house for over 30 years — but I don’t have a problem getting rid of things.
He is a motivated person with other things but has selfmedicated every day of our marriage. He has a normal job but is always so stressed out. He has zero motivation to get rid of all the junk because now it’s out of control, and he continues to add to the piles. He spends countless hours in the basement, but nothing ever looks any different.
He has a very controlling personality and temper, so if you get rid of anything (for example, a huge garbage bag full of napkins or empty boxes he collects so he can fill them up with “stuff ”), he starts slamming doors, yelling and throwing things. He shows more emotion about getting rid of that junk than he does about most anything else.
This is causing me to be depressed, angry and desperate. He would never get help for this, so what do I do? — Bogged Down
Dear Bogged Down: Living with clutter can be very unhealthy, both mentally and physically. But understanding the psychology of hoarders might help you find some renewed patience with your husband and sanity for yourself. Hoarding is a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder, a condition your husband could no more control than any physical disorder. Accept that it’s not only beyond your control but also beyond his and you’ll feel surprisingly lighter.
Next, reach out to a mental health professional. If your husband refuses to go at first, then go on your own, as this disorder is impacting your life, too (and poses a safety risk). For more resources, visit the International OCD Foundation’s page on hoarding disorder at hoarding.iocdf.org.
Finally, you mentioned that your husband “self-medicates” every day. Assuming that means drinking, I strongly advise you to attend Al-Anon. Find a group in your area at www.al-anon.org.
Dear Annie: I am one of a group of guys who have been friends and card players for over 30 years. For the past three decades, I have witnessed one of our players, “Charlie,” cheat every time we play, but I’ve said nothing. When it’s his time to deal, he shuffles the cards, looks at them and positions them to his liking so that he will deal what he wants to himself. I notice this every time, but no one else does. We are all very good friends, and I don’t want to make a scene, so I say nothing and keep it to myself, burning inside. If I did bring it up in front of everyone, it could bring an end to our game circle. Plus, I know that Charlie would absolutely deny it, and I would look like a fool. This cheating pays off for him, because he wins about 80 to 90 percent of the time. How can I handle this without destroying our long-standing card game? — Sleight of Hand Observer
Dear Observer: If you’ve managed to keep your feelings on this matter to yourself for 30 years, you must have a phenomenal poker face. It’s well past time to flush Charlie’s dirty tactics out into the open.
The best way to go about this is to talk to one of the other players and ask whether he’s noticed anything unusual about the way Charlie deals. After 30 years of playing with this guy, I have a feeling he’ll know what you’re referring to. But if not, tell him to keep an eye out the next time the group gets together. Once you’ve got a witness corroborating your claim, go to the others in your group (minus Charlie) and lay it all on the table. Whoever is closest to Charlie should sit him down privately and let him know the group is wise to his maneuvers. He may still deny it, but he’ll be hard-pressed to try it again knowing all eyes are on him.