Step away from the grill

'Tis the grilling season.

Think you're fit to man the grill? Following are some signs that you can’t handle the heat.

• Your grill fake-coughs

• Your cookout guests stop, drop and roll

• Your fajitas yell "no mas!"

• When charcoal isn't a method of grilling, but the result of your grilling

• You purchased a gas grill and filled it with charcoal

• You cut your steak with a diamond

• You use your meat tenderizer after the meat comes off the grill

• Your grates look like the grill of a car after a cross country trip

• You think lighter fluid is a meat flavor

• You have a firebreak around your grill

• The local air district issues air quality warnings during your cookouts

• You think you're done and the bird gets up and walks away

• Your cookouts are used as firefighter training sessions

• The movie "Backdraft" is based on one summer afternoon in your backyard

• You need so much sauce to cover up your meat that the official cause of death is drowning

• You don't remember what kind of meat you started with

• You think medium rare means charred on the outside and frozen on the inside

• The heat is so intense your cookout guests repent their sins

• You salt meat so heavily that pieces are still around — a decade later

• Your wire scrub brush is wireless

• The dog won't eat the burger

• Your steak is well done and your eyebrows are medium rare

• Your homeowner insurance company insists on taking "fire" off the list of covered incidents

• You've used up a full tank of gas and your meat still hasn't thawed

• You serve your meat in an urn

• You're required to register your chicken wings as weapons

• Your most used grilling accessory is a fire extinguisher

• The number of wooden decks you've built is the same number as the cookouts you've hosted

• A piece of meat goes on the grill and a baseball glove comes off