Warning: Operating pole saw may require aid of bilingual engineer
Times have changed. Remember the days when you bought power yard equipment and it came fully assembled? Well, that’s not the case anymore — at least not with my new pole saw.
It arrived in a long box, and judging from the outside picture, it certainly looked assembled. The one I bought a few years ago was.
I’m not that handy, but figured if I read the 32 pages of directions, it shouldn’t be that difficult to put together — or would it? Here’s how the process unfolded:
Let’s see, the first step is to find directions in English. There’s the French, the Spanish, the “I don’t know what that is” language and finally the English version — undoubtedly, translated by someone back in China.
The first six pages, “Important Safety Instructions,” contain singlespaced warnings with at least 3,000 words. I must have purchased a dangerous piece of equipment in order to have so many concerns. But does anyone really read a text this size?
Rather than waste time, I’ll just skim through it. Here are some highlights:
1. “Do not operate in explosive atmospheres." Wow! I’d better not use this thing on the Fourth of July in Lodi.
2. “Stay alert while operating this tool." Darn! I was hoping for a quick snooze.
3. “Dress properly." Are neckties optional?
4. “Do not use the power tool if switch does not turn on." Gee, I was kind of hoping the thing would work without it.
5. “Keep body parts away from the saw chain." Really? Four fingers might be a nice change.
6. “Use only on wood.” You mean a chain saw won’t cut iron?
Well, enough of that nonsense. It’s now time to assemble:
1. “Step one: Lock off the safety switch in order to attach the chain saw to the pole.” Hummm, so much for all those previous warnings!
2. “For further explanation of above, see Fig. 9." But wait: There is no “Fig. 9. “Maybe it’s on the “I
I’m not that handy, but figured if I read the 32 pages of directions, it shouldn’t be that difficult to put together — or would it?
don’t know what that is” language page.
3. “Take bracket A and attach to bolt C. Take lock washer E and attach to bolt B.
But make sure you are not using bolt F as this is reserved for the saw attachment mounting device shown in Fig 2a. Washer is not included."
OK, so maybe I’m not the brightest guy in the world, but this is ridiculous. There really is only one solution at this point, and that is to throw the directions, along with all those endless safety instructions, into the recycle bin, and use what little logic I still have left.
Fast forward: After an hour of trial and error, ta-da! The device is assembled and complete. But now for the big surprise: The thing weighs a ton! I guess I should have known that this would happen when you put a chainsaw on the end of a pogo stick!
So here’s a thought for future truth in advertising: I suggest the following warning label in large letters be placed on the container box in plain view:
“WARNING: This device should only be assembled by those who have been certified by the Accredited Board of Engineering and Technology. All others attempt at their own risk with expectations of endless frustration.”
“Avoid serious injury to back and neck. Do not use this tool unless you can bench press a minimum of 200 pounds. All others should use block and tackle equipment to hold saw in its proper position.”
Now that would be an honest assessment of what I had just purchased. But really, what are the chances of that happening anytime soon? Well, as a matter of reasonable conclusions, I’d say about the same as Democrat and Republican politicians working in harmony for the benefit of the American people.