Is it betrayal to like stepdaughter’s ex-husband?

Dear Annie: I am a widowed stepmother of a man and a woman. My husband and I had a cordial relationship with their mother. I grew to love her, and I think she liked me.

My stepdaughter, “Renee,” has been divorced for 2 years. She and her ex, “Matt,” share custody of their three children. Matt sought the divorce, and Renee has never gotten over it. She takes no responsibility; it is all Matt’s fault.

Matt has been in our lives for 20-plus years, and we have all always adored him. Renee feels that because my stepson, his wife and I are friendly with Matt (go to his house to watch football games, like his new wife and her children, attend parties where they are, etc.), we are “siding” with him.

Today Renee advised us that because we still like Matt and went to his house last weekend, she is disowning all of us because we have chosen him over her. Then she blocked us on Facebook.

We feel that if we are nice to Matt and his new family, we are avoiding further conflict/discomfort/resentment/friction with the three children. The children like their new stepsiblings and stepmother. Because of the children, Renee and Matt will be stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. Why not try to make the best of an unfortunate situation?

Are we betraying Renee by being nice to Matt? — Baffled Stepmother

Dear Baffled Stepmother: You are not betraying your stepdaughter by continuing to be friendly with her ex-husband, who was your son-in-law for many years. That said, try empathizing with her. You did not state the circumstances of the divorce, but if Matt left Renee to be with his new wife, her sourness is understandable, even if it’s not constructive. In any case, if you show her that she’s loved, too, by spending more time with her, she may worry less about the time you’re spending with Matt. There’s also a chance she will stay angry no matter what. In that event, recognize that her emotions are valid, and encourage her to seek counseling.

Dear Annie: My husband’s son came to live with us when he started high school. His mother lived in another state, so when she came to visit him, she stayed with us. I had friends who thought I was crazy to “allow” the “ex” to stay with us. I really liked my stepson’s mother. She was a funny, caring woman who brought a lot of joy to our family gatherings. I did not break up their marriage, and I really loved the way that the two could co-parent their son and include me in the mix. We attended her wedding when she remarried. We were Facebook friends. When the grandchildren came along, we shared many holidays and birthday celebrations together. Sadly, she passed away earlier this year. We all miss her so much. Please suggest to “Ex-Wife Issues” that she may be missing an opportunity for a great friendship that she could treasure for years to come. — Missing My Friend

Dear Missing My Friend: Your letter touched my heart. What a beautiful message. Thank you for sharing it with the world.