The misguided love of Loonie Loverland

Stringer Wireman interviews Loonie Loverland, leader of the Love and Be Positive Movement.

Wireman: So tell me, Ms. Loverland: How did you get involved in an organization like this?

Loverland: Just call me “Loonie,” Stringer. Love means never having to say last names. And by the way, in case you’re wondering, I was named after the Canadian dollar.

My dad always admired depreciating currencies.

Wireman: OK, so please answer my question.

Loverland: I’m sensing a little hostility and impatience in that last statement,

Stringer. There is no need for that! We need to love each other as we love ourselves. I joined this movement because there is too much hate in this country — especially since that Apprentice guy became president. We need to turn things around and show only love.

Wireman: And how do we do that?

Loverland: We need to impeach the president or vote him out of office. We have to find all the dirt on him we can — even make it up, if necessary. There can be no love in this world as long as a guy like that is in politics.

Wireman: I’m confused. I thought your organization was about loving everybody?

Loverland: Well, there are exceptions. We hate his personality, his looks and the fact that we still believe he somehow stole the election by working with those @#$% Russians!

Wireman: So you hate the Russians too?

Loverland: We hate anybody who’s trying to prevent us from loving one another. It’s in the Bible, you know. Love cannot prevail until we destroy all the people we hate.

Wireman: Where is that written?

Loverland: I’m no theologian, but I think it’s somewhere in the back. And besides, the president is a racist. A lot of people are saying that.

Wireman: How can he be a racist when he’s created opportunity zones in poverty-stricken black neighborhoods, has the lowest unemployment rate among African-Americans in U.S. history and has led the long-overdue prison

reform movement?

Loverland: I don’t believe a word of that! If true, these stories would have been reported regularly in the Times, the Post, low-rated cable news shows and other completely objective mainstream media sources. Are you sticking up for this demon?

Wireman: No, I just thought that a movement which professes love and positivity toward everyone would include our president.

Loverland: Are you as naïve as you look, Wireman? I’m beginning to think you are part of the hate crowd as well — or are you just plain stupid?

Wireman: I might be because I don’t understand the gross negativity in your Love and Be Positive Movement.

Loverland: OK, let me try to explain this again so even an idiot like you can understand. We only hate those who keep us from loving one another. Now do you get it, dummy?

Wireman: What you are saying is you can’t have love without complete destruction of those you hate. But Jesus said, “love your enemies.”

Loverland: Are you trying to get all religious on me, Wireman? Look, we’ve moved well beyond that. I haven’t been in Sunday school since we separated church and state. We now know there can be no love without destroying all the people we hate.

Wireman: When he resigned from the presidency, Richard Nixon said: “…others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.” Any comments on this quote?

Loverland: Here’s my comment, Wireman: You’d better watch your back because when our members read this interview about me, your Twitter thing is going to light up like a Christmas tree! And you’d better get a bodyguard for your family as well, you piece of tabloid trash!

Wireman: Well, thanks for the interview, Loonie. I think I now have a much better understanding of what love and positivity are all about.

Wednesday

Adult Children with Aging Relatives — Support group for primary caregivers of aging relatives, 4:30 p.m. Hutchins Street Square Senior Day Care. Contact Terry Whitmire at 3694443.

Cancer Support Group — Lodi Memorial Hospital, 6 p.m., location/direction will be given at front desk of hospital. Contact Diann Logan at 209-772-2203.

Community Center for the Blind — 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. for resources and support, call 298-7912.

Delta Blood Bank — The blood bank is in need of all blood donors. Please call 88894BLOOD or visit the website at www.deltabloodbank.org. Donations may be made at Hutchins Street Square today, 12:30-6:45 p.m.

Energizers exercise class — Senior fitness class led by a certified aerobics instructor, 9 to 10 a.m., First United Methodist Church, 200 W. Oak St., $36 monthly or $6 walk-in. For more information, call 7475759.

Lodi Elks Lodge No. 1900 — Business meeting 7 p.m. 19071 N. Lower Sacramento Road. Call 369-3291.

Lodi Lions Club — Meeting, noon. Grape Festival Grounds, Burgundy Hall. Contact Rich Shook, 327-8406.

Lodi Sunrise Rotary Club — Meeting, 7 a.m. Woodbridge Golf and Country Club, 3390209.

Thursday

Al-Anon — Meeting, 7 to 8:30 p.m., Lodi Memorial Hospital Board Room. Call Jeff at 209642-0139.

Alateen — Meeting, 5:30 to 6:30 p.m., Lodi Memorial Hospital Board Room. Call Jeff at 209-642-0139.

HIV testing — Free drop-in, 10 a.m. to noon. Woodbridge Medical Group, 2401 W. Turner Road, Suite 450. 944-4760.

Kiwanis Club of Greater Lodi — Meeting, 7 a.m., Eagles Lodge 217 E. Lockeford st. Contact Chris Meehleis at 334-4637.

Lodi City Club — Free dinner, outrageous games and competitions and relevant discussions, 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. OneEighty Teen Center, 17 W. Lockeford St. All junior high and high school students welcome. For more information, call 483-1329.

Lodi Rotary — meeting, noon, Hutchins Street Square, Holtz Room, call 334-3225..

LOEL Senior Center — Exercise sessions, 8:30-9:30 a.m.;

Mom’s Night Out — Meetings for mothers with young children, Emanuel Lutheran Church, 1540 W. Lodi Ave., 7 to 9 p.m.

NAMI support group — National Alliance on Mental Illness family support group for family members with brain disorders, 6 p.m., Lodi Avenue Baptist Church, 2301 W. Lodi Ave., call Irene at 368-1469 or Joselyn at 369-5936.

Salvation Army — Adult praise team practice, noon; Women Helping Women, support group for women seeking or reentering employment, 9:3011:30 a.m. followed by lunch, 622 N. Sacramento St. 3695896. Soroptimist International of Lodi — Meeting at Richmaid Restaurant 100 S. Cherokee Lane, second and fourth Thursdays at 6:30 p.m. Contact Bev at 334-5389.

Stockton Duplicate Bridge Club — 11:30 a.m., 6852 Pacific Ave, Suite C, Stockton, call Rose at 969-2414 or Mary at 639-6811.

Take Shape for Life — Nutrition and weight loss meeting, 6 p.m., Stockton Hilton. Meeting is bilingual. For more information, call Amanda McCann at 642-4110.