Season’s greetings to friends, relatives
It’s hard to believe another 12 months have gone by. Here’s what’s been happening with us for the last year. As many of you know, we’re just a typical, all-American family:
Our son, Huckster, is continuing his education at Folsom State. Unfortunately, he’s had a slight setback by getting fired from the kitchen staff for stealing knives. He said he had to do it. His fellow inmates needed the blades to conduct business on the exercise yard.
Of course, this slight faux pas has added time to Huckster’s sentence, so we don’t know when he will be coming home. We’re hoping the governor continues to give more non-violent offenders early releases, so our boy can start making real money again.
Huckster has always been quite the entrepreneur. We’re so proud of him. Now that marijuana is legal in California, he’s hoping to get into the ride-sharing business and do a little dealing with his customers.
Our eldest daughter, the beautiful Peggy Sue, got married for the seventh time. She’s made a few bucks on the first six, so she figured, “Why give up a good thing?”
Peg has given us 13 grandchildren, and we couldn’t be happier — well, at least with most of them anyway. Just to name a few of their accomplishments: Grits has received the coveted honor of being voted “Most likely to bully” by his sixth grade classmates.
Pepper has joined the pizza box police for the local trash company, and Skits has become a standup comedian at the state hospital. We couldn’t ask for better grandkids.
Our other daughter, Scrapper, decided to try her hand as a college student, but it just wasn’t right for her. She couldn’t understand why there was no recess or nap time.
Also, the other kids didn’t want to go to class. Instead, they just wanted to protest a bunch of stuff like climate change or somebody they don’t agree with speaking on campus.
Scrapper really wanted to learn something that she could use in everyday life. So she quit college and joined the Army. Now she’s in sniper school. I couldn’t be more proud!
My wife, Mary Jane, has retired from the brownie business. Seems there’s just too much competition these days — with legalization of pot and all. Instead, she’s gone into the grocery bag business. One of our grandkids is stealing paper bags from the supermarket, and Mary Jane is selling them on the sidewalk for a nickel apiece. They split the profits. She says business is great!
We didn’t do much traveling this year. The old pickup could use an overhaul, and we don’t like taking the bus. Too many weirdos riding those things. But we did manage to spend seven days at Lodi Lake, and no one jumped on us for pitching a tent.
I don’t know why people waste so much money going to places like Hawaii when we have such a beautiful spot right here in our own little city.
If you get tired sitting on the beach, you can always go hunting in the nature area. I bagged myself a deer, a raccoon and a Siamese cat. We ate for a week.
In case you’re wondering what I’m doing with my time these days, the answer is staying really busy. The city is telling me I got to get rid of all the junk cars in our front yard. I’d leave them on the street, but they don’t run.
Mary Jane has been on me about painting the house. I got it started but ran out of paint. I don’t think it looks too bad. The two-tone color scheme sort of reminds me of the 1970s cars parked in our front yard. Actually, I think the rust and peeling vinyl roof on a faded green ‘71 Buick looks quite artistic. I mean, does everyone’s place in this town have to look the same?
I also watch a lot of TV — especially the political stuff. Things are really getting crazy out there with all the lying, bickering and finger-pointing. I mean, don’t we have enough enemies in the world without fighting among ourselves? Well, that’s my two-cents worth. Thank goodness for the escapism of “Mayberry” reruns and big box generic beer.
So that’s about all I have to say about our typical American family. I’m just so blessed to have such a wonderful wife, along with successful kids and grandkids.
I’m looking forward to hearing what you folks have been doing. I hope you don’t send me a storebought card with Santa and that speckled stuff sprinkled all over it. Those things just don’t have the same personal touch as my Christmas letter. Don’t you agree?
We hope you have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Carefree Kwanzaa, Super Solstice or whatever else they are calling the season these days. And may the new year bring you even more free stuff and an improved credit score.