If people can ‘rescue’ themselves, let them

“Never rescue people from a problem they should solve for themselves.

You’ll end up a victim if you do.”

These were the words of a mentor I had years ago during my training as a psychotherapist. At the time, I really didn’t understand what he meant by that. After all, isn’t rescuing what we are supposed to do in a helping profession? Wouldn’t it be seen as “uncaring” if we failed to throw a life rope to those in distress?

But then, one day it happened. A renter in my therapy office came to me claiming one of my partners no longer wanted her in the building. Apparently, there was some kind of tiff between the two, and this was the partner’s power play to win the conflict.

I liked the renter. She was a competent psychologist and also had a prominent university position. So rather than heed the warning of my mentor from years past, I put on my imaginary Sir Lancelot suit and rode to the rescue.

The result? The psychologist in question got to keep her office space. But now I was the bad guy with the partner for taking sides. I still don’t know what the conflict was between the two. To make matters worse, the tenant later became chummy with the partner, and now I was the misfeasor for both of them!

Ah, the games people play. But maybe this was an unusual example. My mentor couldn’t be right about this victimization thing a second time — could he?

I also worked for the school district, and yes, I got sucked into another rescue scene. A psychologist intern came to me complaining that a supervisor had given him all of her caseload. Rather than sharing the responsibility, she left nothing for herself except collecting a salary.

So dumb me, I did it again. I put on my knight in shining armor suit and rode off to discuss the situation. The supervisor was offended by my interference and angrily suggested it was “none of my business.” Couldn’t argue with that. After all, I wasn’t taking sides but only trying to act as a mediator for this poor “powerless” intern.

The supervisor must have had a guilty conscience, because the next day, I got a call and an apology. She agreed to take over six of the 12 cases in her charge and asked if I thought that would be appropriate?

All’s well that ends well — at least that’s how the fairy tales go. But this was real life. The supervisor was embarrassed and angry at being “caught,” so to speak — especially by someone who was an outside observer of the situation. I’m certain I became her “enemy” after the incident, and no doubt she backstabbed me with some of the higher ups in the organization. But at least this time, the “victim” intern didn’t turn on me.

You’d think the words of that brilliant mentor from my past would be ringing in my ears by now — right? But noooo! You see, I’m just not that smart.

Not long before I left the school district, I got a call from a parent asking for help with her high school daughter. Apparently, the girl was unmotivated and in jeopardy of not graduating. Everything seemed OK until the mom called the principal. “I don’t like the way Hansen talked to my daughter,” she complained. (Do you see a game emerging here?) Now it was the daughter and the mother lining up against me.

Being a slow learner, I should have borrowed from the following ancient words of wisdom — original author unknown: “Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

In all the above examples, a better approach to helping these “victims” would have been to ask questions and help guide them to their own solutions. This would have avoided the people games and put responsibility where it belongs on their shoulders.

If a game is emerging, the responder to your questions will often show resentment and anger for the fact that you are not solving their problem. People who do this fear taking responsibility for their own actions. They want someone else to blame should their methodology fail. As you can see in my first example, this is a human issue for which even trained psychologists have no immunity.

You have to be able to rise above the game-playing, along with the resentment and negative accusations for the decision not to solve someone else’s problem.

One has to decide which is best for the other person on the long run: “Give them a fish” (solve the problem for them) or teach them how to fish. (Help find a path to discover their own solutions). Which is more helpful for their self-esteem, confidence and developmental growth? The answer should be obvious. This is especially true for young children and adolescents.

During a lifetime, everyone has, or will have run into this situation. The choice on how to respond is ours. The easiest and most common answer for “helping” another person is not always the best solution.