Rocky seas lead to drifting ships
Dear Annie: My wife and I are drifting apart.
I’m a recovering alcoholic of four years. I put her through a lot when I was drinking. When I got sober, I put my recovery first. I went to a lot of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and put her second. Now, she is seeing someone else.
I think at this point it’s only an emotional affair, not a sexual one. But there have been times when she said she was going out with friends, and I know she went out with him. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I should be angry, and I’m not. But I don’t like it — it bothers me to no end. Communication in our relationship is nonexistent. I’m not sure what to do. — Drifting
Dear Drifting: Let’s start with congratulations on your recovery. Four years is something to be very proud of. It sounds like your wife still harbors resentment and pain from your drinking days. I might suggest that she attend Al-Anon meetings to help her better understand why you have to put your recovery first. My guess is that you know that if you didn’t, everything else in your life would fall apart, including your marriage.
The past is past, and it sounds like you have made amends. Communication is key in any marriage. It’s been so long that you and your wife might need to rebuild these communication channels to make this work. Take action and seek the help of a professional marriage counselor. If your wife refuses to go, then you should go yourself. Sometimes, when people use alcohol to numb their feelings for years, they lose touch with them. It’s time to go to a therapist or counselor and rediscover how you do feel about things.
And keep going to meetings. As they say in AA, the program works if you work it.
Dear Annie: I just read the letter from the 92-year-old lady who is so alone and sad during the pandemic. I have tears in my eyes and, like you, a broken heart. I am a 77year-old retired man. I lost my 96-year-old mom after taking care of her during dementia at home and visiting her for three years in a nursing home. So I have deep compassion for her. I feel so sorry for her.
Dear Deep Compassion: Your letter is so sweet and straight from the heart — filled with love and kindness. Sometimes, just knowing that strangers feel your pain and have compassion for you is enough to make you feel better.