My shot at school management

Unemployed Steve Hansen tries to sell himself to a “headhunter,” who specializes in school management positions:

Employment counselor: Steve, what type of job do you feel you qualify for in a public school system?

Hansen: Well sir, I envision myself as a manager of a sizable K-12 district, probably somewhere in the Central Valley.

Counselor: And what qualifications do you have to fill the bill? Do you have any school experience?

Hansen: Oh, yes. Quite a bit. I’ve been a teacher, a counselor, a program coordinator, a professor — even a grant writer.

C: Have you ever been a principal?

H: No. I skipped that step and became a shrink in private practice. I figured I had made enough spaghetti dinners in my time to cover the experience needed as an organizer of elementary school fundraisers.

C: Do you have any graduate degrees in education?

H: No. They’re all in other areas. But once I took an advanced class on how to run a movie projector backwards. Kids really love that, you know.

C: Do you keep up with the latest educational theories?

H: Not really. I don’t see much point, since none of them work anyway.

C: Well, do you have any budgetary experience?

H: Absolutely. I was once a CFO for an upstart Sacramento advertising agency.

C: How did that work out?

H: Unfortunately, we went broke after the first year. But that was the CEO’s fault. He blew all the money on himself and info commercials. But we still got our Christmas bonuses — and, oh yes: He had terrific yacht parties on the Delta.

C: OK, moving on: So what personal qualifications do you have?

H: Well, after years of working in and out of the school system, I developed several qualities, which I believe would be very helpful in this position.

C: And what would they be?

H: I’m a classic cynic. I satirize everything. I tell it like it is and not just what people want to hear. I speak my mind and praise measurable results, not excuses.

C: Well, these characteristics are just the opposite of what we need in a successful school superintendent.

We want people who are positive, hopeful, praise everything and everybody, can schmooze a school board, keep personal opinions to themselves, and always have good PR answers when state-mandated programs fail.

H: Oh.

C: So, what about your people skills. What are they like?

H: Pretty good, I guess.

C: Give me examples. Are you a good communicator? Do you have lots of friends? Do you network? Do you help others? Do you belong to social and community service organizations? And most of all, can you play golf ?

H: Afraid not — especially that last one. But I do like NASCAR, bocce ball and beer pong. Do they count?

C: So, is there anything else you would like me to add to your qualifications?

H: Well, I speak Mandarin, Spanish, Italian and I’m a pretty good writer.

C: That last point might come in handy when submitting a letter of resignation should you be selected for one of these jobs.

I’ll send your resume to various districts. I’m sure we’ll find some oddball place out there that will be interested. Anything else?

H: Yes.

C: And what might that be?

H: Can I still get my summers off ?