Dealing with entitlement
Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 26 years. I have a 24year-old son at home on the autism spectrum, and his 4-yearold daughter, of whom he has full custody. They get by with my help, and money, of course.
I have always been a very loving and supportive husband. I cook, clean, do laundry and whatever else needs to be done. I’m getting older now and developing arthritis. For a while, I would push through the pain to pamper my wife. Now, when we sit down, she throws her leg on me and says, “Rub my feet.” I didn’t mind when she appreciated it, but now that she expects it, this ruins it for me. If I say no, she gets upset.
When I try to talk to her about it, she turns it back on me and says that I shouldn’t blame her for my problems. She said that since I’ve been doing it so long, she just expects it.
For 26 years, I’ve never had alone time. I go to work, and then go home to my family. If I tell my wife I want to go somewhere by myself, she assumes I’m going to meet another woman.
Plus, after 26 years of only thinking about my family, I have no clue what makes me happy. I just know I’m not. — Resentment
Dear Resentment: No one likes to feel unappreciated. Your wife ordering you to rub her feet sounds like she is acting more like a tyrant than a considerate, loving partner. Then again, you have allowed this reign of terror for quite some time.
Instead of brewing like a little teakettle that is going to blow, just tell her exactly how you feel. It is understandable that her lack of appreciation has made you not want to do nice things for her, but you have to tell her that. Couples therapy could help ease this conversation, so that pent-up resentments could be dealt with calmly.
Dear Annie: I’m the type of person who minds their own business and tries to live peacefully with everyone. I expect people to respond accordingly. However, very often I seem to get the opposite in return.
For example, I was confiding in my sister about my health and finances. She told our other siblings. I was very annoyed and have hard feelings toward her because I thought we had an understanding that our conversation was private. She should have known this without me telling her. I mean, if I wanted our entire family to know my business, I would have done a group chat.
How do I adjust my expectations of dealing with my family to be more realistic? — Hard Feelings
Dear Hard Feelings: Saying, “She should have known this without me telling her,” is exactly where the communication broke down. Next time you confide in someone — even your sister — explicitly say that you want that person to keep the information to themselves.
Family can be an important resource to lean on if you are going through a tough time. My guess is your sister’s spilling the beans to your other siblings came more from her feelings of love and concern for you, rather than a malicious intent to gossip.