My husband is COVID-shaming our friends and family
Dear Annie: I have friends and family who have traveled for vacations during the COVID-19 pandemic. My husband and I have taken trips during the pandemic, too, but only road trips, and we stay at Airbnb rentals (by ourselves). Some of my relatives, meanwhile, went to Hawaii, justifying it as helping Hawaii’s economy. Some have flown upwards of five times during the pandemic. Many even traveled during the holidays and got together with people outside their household for multiple days.
These friends and relatives are not anti-maskers. They proudly tout all the extra safety precautions they take when traveling, and they get tested beforehand. But my husband is sickened by their behavior, and he’s begun opting out of our weekly family Zoom calls. He says he’s lost all respect for them.
He’s saddened by this situation and isn’t enjoying himself. He feels very alone in his quest to do the right thing, surrounded by those who prioritize themselves over the safety of greater society.
I’m disappointed in their actions, too — but not enough to cut them out of my life.
When we’ve pressed these relatives about why they feel the need to travel and take unnecessary risks, they say that our vacations have been just as risky; flying is safe (this is a big one); it’s their prerogative; and they’re not endangering anyone. They feel as though my husband is harshly judging and shaming them. And to be honest, he is.
I’m trying to support all parties involved. I’ll never force my husband to be friends with people whom he doesn’t respect — but at the same time, I’m grieving the loss of the unity between everyone. Thankfully, we live far away from these friends and relatives, and they’re not really part of our regular daily lives. But the family members are people I like to see two or three times a year — and I’d like to visit them with a happy husband! Do I have to give up that fantasy? — Dealing with the Fallout
Dear Dealing: Remind your husband that there are folks who have been even more careful than you have, people who have barely set foot outside their yard, let alone left their town. They might consider your road trips reckless. My point is COVID-shame not, lest ye be COVID-shamed.
Still, it’s not surprising that many of us have been so quick to judge during a year that has been so turbulent. Judging others gives us a sense of control. Hopefully, as the pandemic recedes and life eventually returns to normal, your husband will let go of these resentments. In the meantime, continue to talk with these friends and family as you normally would, paying no mind to his crankiness.
Dear Annie: I read with interest the letter from the 63-year-old mother whose children felt she was wasting her money by going back to school and finishing her degree. I dropped out of college to put my husband through school when his father became ill and could not help him financially anymore.
After four children, two of whom got college degrees, I decided to go back to college and finish my degree. I chose to major in accounting.
I graduated cum laude at the age of 56. It took me seven months to get the job of my dreams, but after eight years of working, my husband and I were able to pay everything off, accumulate a great nest egg, and now we can travel wherever we want. Better yet, our children don’t have to worry about taking care of us if things were to get bad.
Our children would not have dared to tell me I was making a mistake, even though my husband had a nice pension in addition to Social Security. I don’t know what this woman’s situation is, but she is making a great choice to go for what she wants. I hope she finishes what she started. — Happy I Went Back to College
Dear Happy I Went Back: Thank you for sharing your letter. You set a wonderful example that it is never too late to fulfill your dreams and that taking risks can pay off. Congrats again. In addition to the financial security that you have achieved, you have the knowledge that you acquired by going back to school.
I am reminded of a family saying: “You can lose your money, your looks and your youth, but no one can take away your education.”
Dear Annie: Your column caught my eye when you printed a prayer for Lent about fasting from negative emotions. While reading, I even got a sheet of paper and divided it in two columns: one with the negative behaviors (to fast from) and the other with the corresponding positive behavior. As I looked at the poem and wrote down the points, I thought it would be a good start for new year’s resolutions (and can be used by everyone): “Say kind words; be thankful or filled with gratitude; be patient; be filled with hope,” etc.
This past year has really been one of testing and has been hard on many people to have a positive attitude. I thank the Lord for watching over us. — Bonnie
Dear Bonnie: Happy to hear you liked the poem, and I appreciate your letter as a reminder to stop and count my blessings. The days I feel the least like making a gratitude list are the days I need it the most.