Husband’s hidden life hurt family

Dear Annie: My second husband and I were together for 20 years. I’ll call him “Dominic.” We met at a vulnerable time in my life, and he was the kindest man I ever met. Dominic wanted to get married immediately, but I was reluctant, as I’d just gotten out of a marriage with a cheater, liar and abuser.

Dominic begged me. Eventually, I caved. We got married and had a child, my fifth. (I had four from my ex.) Over the years, we had many ups and downs. One day I was getting ready to take a trip and found condoms and lubricant in his duffel bag. When I confronted him about it, he gave me a story. I tried to believe him.

Not long after that, he started buying new clothes and going to the gym. I suspected he had a girlfriend. When I asked what he was up to, he said he couldn’t stand my nagging anymore. He moved out. Several months later, he filed for divorce, and during the process had to disclose financial records.

That’s when I found out he didn’t have a girlfriend. He had a boyfriend. I was devastated. When I tried to confront him in arbitration, he wouldn’t admit it. It’s been four years since then, and I still can’t believe it.

I keep thinking back to years back, when we found out our youngest child was gay. I told Dominic that we needed to show her our support, but he refused to even acknowledge the reality. Why would he lie like this? How did I not see it all those years? — Still Don’t Understand

Dear Still: Don’t feel bad for not seeing it. For one, Dominic’s dating men now doesn’t mean that he was never attracted to you. For another, it sounds as though he was doing everything he could to obfuscate his sexuality even from himself.

It saddens me that societal pressures can drive a person so deep into denial. I hope that with time, as we become more accepting, stories like yours will become less common. In supporting your daughter, you’re helping to create that brighter future.

Dear Annie: I think there’s a better way to end the evening after you and your guests have had dinner and dessert than your response to, “To Leave or Not to Leave.” This is what we say: “Well, folks, it’s time to call it a night. I hope you enjoyed the dinner. I know we enjoyed having you, and we wrapped up some leftovers for you to enjoy this week.” We have never had a problem. — Love Our Dinner Guests

Dear Love Our Dinner Guests: Thank you for your suggestion. I am happy that your approach is working for you.

Dear Annie: I would not recommend what my late husband did when company stayed too long. He would say, “You folks can stay and talk as long as you want. I’m going to bed.” — Said It Like It Is

Dear Said It: At least your late husband’s honesty is refreshing.