With some modern-day politicking, I could have gotten away with a lot more

Iwish politicians years ago had the same chutzpah they have today. In high school, I certainly could have learned from their examples. If I had their incredible ability to twist reality, I could have gotten away with so much more.

It was a warm spring day. I was a junior in chemistry class at a snooty suburban Washington, D.C. private school. Our teacher was a retired Air Force Colonel, who probably should have been golfing in Florida rather than trying to teach a bunch of privileged blue-blazered brats. He would face the chalkboard and mumble off solutions to a few formulas while my fellow students looked for more interesting things to do. Most were smarter than I and probably noticed my dumbfounded look, as I tried to make some kind of sense out of what was being said by the master.

Next thing I knew, I was getting squirted in the face from a water gun held by Stan McNealy. The class tables were arranged in a Ushaped formation, and I was at the back table. He was to my right.

Within a couple of minutes, I got a squirt from Todd Miller, who was sitting at the table to my left. Then it was Jake McKenzie located at the front.

While the water sports continued, Colonel Harvey remained oblivious, as he solved another chemistry problem. The chalk dust lightly covered his old oversized tweed suit, which probably hadn’t been cleaned since horses roamed the streets.

Now I had a dilemma: What should my next move be? I certainly wasn’t going to “rat out” my classmates. With only 20 members in the Junior

Class, that would have been my demise.

I smiled, tried to ignore and hoped their assaults would cease. But that tactic proved futile. I was beginning to look like I had just stepped out of a thunderstorm.

There was only one option left, and that was what any red-blooded American would do — fight back! But with what? Obviously, I had not come “armed,” so I had to rely on some improvised artillery.

Behind me was a 500 ml beaker located on the sink counter. As the pot-bellied old man muttered at the chalkboard, I saw a chance and made my move.

I filled the beaker and looked at McNealy. After all, he had started the whole thing, and now it was my turn to make him pay the consequences.

But as I turned around, cocked my arm and prepared to launch, the Colonel suddenly looked at me and yelled: “Hey! What do you think you’re dong with that beaker?”

I froze in place and uttered the first words that came to mind:

“Uh, holding it?”

The entire class burst out laughing. McNealy, Miller and McKenzie had gotten the best of me once again!

“I’ve been wondering where all the water has been coming from!” the Colonel grumbled. “Get a mop and clean it up, and I’d better not see any more of this nonsense again!”

Now I’ll admit my response at being caught redhanded could not have been more lame. And this brings up the point of my opening statement. Today, a much better answer could have been influenced by our contemporary political leaders, such as:

“It’s not my fault. I’ve done nothing to cause what you see before your very eyes.”

Or I might have tried a victim approach, such as: “I have clearly been set up and have nothing to apologize for.”

Maybe I could have used the, “You caught me and I take full responsibility” thing. As an example:

“I make a mistake. I should have gotten up and not gone to the sink, nor engaged in a water fight. Instead, I should have picked up my stuff and left the room. We’re all human and we all make mistakes sometimes.”

Now that one’s not bad. But here’s another to consider — the flat denial.

“I want to say one thing. I want you to listen to me. My hand was not on that beaker. I am not lying about it. This allegation is false and I need to get back to work on my chemistry assignment in honor of my father who is paying a ridiculous amount of tuition for this questionable education.”

If everything else failed, I could have said: “Climate change made me do it.”

These modern day moves could have worked well on the old Colonel. But unfortunately, we didn’t have leaders like we have today to set the examples. So I suppose for the time in question, just “holding it” was as good of an excuse as any.