Father leaves legacy of resiliency
Dear Annie: I just spent my first Father’s Day without my dad, who tragically passed away from COVID-19 a few months ago. I am feeling heartbroken but also grateful. Without a doubt in my mind or heart, the most significant trait that my beloved father instilled in me through his role modeling of it is resilience.
He developed this lifesaving trait throughout a difficult childhood and continued relying on it through serious debilitating health issues later on in his life, always facing each one with grit and grace.
I have also been experiencing an exceptionally challenging life, the latest bump in the road being an aggressive form of cancer. My deeply entrenched resiliency has and continues to be invaluable. Thank you, Daddy. — Grateful Daughter
Dear Grateful: I’m so sorry for your loss and your diagnosis. They say we should be the things we loved most about the people who are gone. It sounds like you’re living that credo. Your dad would be proud.
Dear Annie: I’m desperately in need of your advice. I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years; we’ve been together 20 years. We’d always had a decent sex life up until two years ago. The sex just stopped. He was never in the mood. I had no clue what had changed. Well, about six months ago, I discovered that he’s been watching porn a couple of times a week (at least), for as far back as our computer history showed. I confronted him about it. He said it was no big deal — that most men have a porn habit. But it is a big deal to me. It has lowered my selfesteem and made me feel very lonely and unlovable — like it’s my fault that he doesn’t want me.
He acts like I should be OK with it, but to me, what he’s doing is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. — Feeling Betrayed
Dear Feeling: If this were indeed just a habit, then there might be middle ground on which to meet him. But when a behavior becomes so compulsive that it disrupts one’s marriage and prevents physical intimacy for years on end, it’s no longer a habit. It’s an addiction.
Have a heart-to-heart with your husband. While your hurt feelings are understandable, try to set aside any anger when you talk to him about this. Put love front and center, expressing concern for his health and letting him know how his behavior impacts you. Hopefully, he’ll be open to seeking help overcoming this addiction, through counseling or a support group. Regardless, you can seek help for yourself. Visit www.psychologytoday.com/groups/sexualaddiction, and enter your ZIP code to find groups for those addicted to pornography as well as groups for spouses/partners.