Attempt to get vaccine turns into an out-of-this world experience

My cousin Sal wanted the vaccine, but there was a problem. You see, he passed out every time he saw a needle.

His wife finally talked him into contacting a therapist who specialized in phobias. His name is Dr. Ludwig Von Fosterfurz of Beverly Hills, who is also known as the “Super Shrink of the Stars.” I heard Sal’s session went something like this:

Doc: “Now Sal, what seems to be the problem?”

Sal: “I don’t know. When I see a needle, I go out like a light. Don’t know why. It’s something I can’t control. It’s so embarrassing.”

Doc: “Well, we put you under hypnosis and see what we can found out. Now you watch der swinging Bitcoin. You are getting sleepy… very sleeeeepy….”

(After the 30 minute session, Sal comes back to reality.)

Doc: “Oh, I knew this was the problem. I’ve seen this so many times with das movie stars.”

Sal: “What is it, Doc? Tell me!”

Doc: “You were abducted by aliens when you were a young child.”

Sal: “What? That’s crazy!

Doc: They use a very long needle when they examined you in der space ship. That’s why you pass out.”

Sal: “This is nuts! But let’s say it’s true. What am I supposed to do about it?”

Doc: “It is nothing to worry about. Actually, it is a blessing.”

Sal: “How do you mean?”

Doc: “This out-of-world experience is what makes a great actor. You can overcome any traumatic experience by pretending to be someone else. Now when you go to get the jab, pretend you are Clint Eastwood and you will be fine. Trust me.”

Sal: “Well, it sounds crazy, but I’ll give it a try. How much do I owe you?”

Doc: “One thousand dollars, plus a donation to the Actors’ Abduction Fund.”

Sal: “Do you take Blue Cross?”

Doc: “No, I am sorry. They do not pay for an alien abduction diagnosis. But I believe that will change in a few years now that Shirley McLaine is lobbying Congress.”

(Sal returns home and prepares to get his first shot at Walgreens.)

Sal’s wife, Sophia: “Now you can do this, Sal. Remember what the doctor said. Did you watch the movies I told you about? Dirty Harry, Sudden Impact, Magnum Force, The Outlaw Josey Wales, along with the others?”

Sal: “Yeah.” Sophia: “OK. Let’s see you furrow that brow: That’s good. Now let’s see you get that look-rightthrough-you stare: Great! OK, now practice saying this to the nurse: ‘Go ahead. Make my day!’ Fantastic! I think you’re ready.”

(With a woolen poncho over his shoulders, an old cowboy hat and a stubby cigar, Sal slowly, but firmly walks up to the nurse to take his medicine.)

Sal: “Well, are you going to pull that syringe or whistle Dixie?”

(Sophia in the background beams with pride. Sal walks slowly back to her.)

Sophia: “Sal, I’m so proud of you! That doctor is a genius!”

Sal: “Well, do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?”

Sophia: “Sal. It’s over. You can stop acting now. Sal?...Sal?”

I heard that day changed Sal’s life. He was never the same again. Sophia had to make some adjustments living with his new personality. He just couldn’t quit quoting such famous lines as, “Dying ain’t much of a living,” and “I tried being reasonable but didn’t like it.”

But Sophia learned she could bring Sal back to his old self by simply yelling, “Cut! That’s a wrap!”

So, despite the obvious side effects, did Dr. Von Fosterfurz’s methodology work? Let’s ask Sal:

Sal: “Yeah, you bet it did. But still — a man’s got to know his limitations.”