Wishing everyone a Marry Laboras Day

Another one just went by. It’s called Labor Day Weekend — filled with boating, beer, barbecuing and in some places, blazing bullets. This holiday was made official by the government in 1894, giving hard-working Americans a well-deserved day off — well, some of them anyway.

I didn’t know who came up with the idea of Labor Day, so I decided to do a little research. According to an old World Book encyclopedia found in the library dumpster, it was a guy named P.J. McGuire (not to be confused with P.J. O’Rourke) back in the 19th century. He thought it would be a nice gesture to give the “laboring classes” a day off since the leisure classes already had every day off.

But a quick check of the Internet revealed another Irish-American named Mathew Maguire (not to be confused with Jerry Maguire) may have had the idea in response to several public demonstrations.

I guess we’ll have to let the historians fight that one out. Personally, I’d make them an offer they can’t refuse and let the Sicilians have all the credit. It’s the smart play.

I used to hate Labor Day because traditionally, it was the last day of summer before school started. I tried to make it last as long as possible, but that effort was always in vain. The power of my little mind just could not turn back the hands of time.

On the day after, it was good and bad news. The good news was we were now presumed smarter and promoted to a higher grade. The bad news was we had goofed off during the previous year, thus making the new one that much harder.

I got off to a bad start way back in kindergarten. I had completed the counting-to-10 and name-writing curricula, while looking forward to a year of first-grade academic excellence. But it was not to be.

You see, at the last minute, my mother gave me the bad news: I had flunked kindergarten and would be repeating it for the coming year. My older sister couldn’t wait to rub in the humiliation, but I got my revenge when I found and ate all her lollypops.

Now one might ask, “How can anyone flunk naps and nursery rhymes?” Well, Mom told me she and the teacher had decided that I was too “immature” to move on.

That was a big mistake on their part. You see, repeating kindergarten made absolutely no difference. I’m just as immature today as I ever was.

But times have changed. Lodi Unified, for example, starts school an entire month ahead of Labor Day, thus making it a welcomed break. They trade the early start days for a couple of weeks off in October and two in March when the weather’s better.

In today’s world, there’s a strange irony about Labor Day. Those among the laboring class actually have to work harder. Police, fire, restaurant workers, hospital workers, and other essential employees don’t get a break Retail workers are especially burdened by Labor Day sales.

I don’t begrudge anybody a day off. But more people, especially those who actually work for a living, should get one too. Therefore, I have a modest proposal:

Why not make Labor Day on Dec. 25 when just about everybody has the day off ? Of course, many essential workers would still not be able to regularly enjoy the holiday. Their reward comes from knowing that without their sacrifices, the rest of us could not feast with friends nor fight with inebriated family members.

Some might say: “You can’t do that on the 25th! It’s one of the holiest days of the year!” True, but both Christmas and Labor Day are federal holidays, and everyone knows those who run the country want to promote inclusiveness. Therefore, it’s just a matter of time until federal recognition of Christmas fades away with Easter — as now seen on TV and presently promoted in public schools.

But I think a compromise could be reached. I can envision the day when instead of saying that monotonous, meaningless “happy holidays” thing, we’ll say something like “Merry Labormas Day” and sing songs like “Joy to Jimmy Hoffa,” and “Hark the AFL-CIO.” We can dub the new words into those old Andy Williams Christmas specials.

I realize not everyone is ready for such change, and some will be more offended by this than a frivolous fat shaming of Santa Claus. But these days, change comes rather quickly and yes, despite the spin, it’s not always for the best.

So for those of you who got the day off, I hope you enjoyed it. But please remember the workers who served in restaurants, stocking grocery shelves, operating gas stations, staffing hospitals and the many others who toiled in service occupations on this September holiday. Thank them when you can.

It’s the least we can do after burping down Uncle Bill’s bunless barbecued brisket, along with passed-the-sell-date, bargain-basement, big box beer.