Politics dividing husband’s family

Dear

Annie:

My husband’s brother and family are somewhat estranged from our family due to one family being “anti-vax” and the other “pro-vax.” Even before COVID-19, we had become more distant because of our opposite political views — one family supporting the former president and one family not. We used to see each other several times a year, but things got strained starting in 2016 and much worse since the pandemic.

Their children are college-aged and older. Ours are in elementary, middle and high school. One of their daughters has lived two miles away from us for the past two years but has never made an effort to see us. I had reached out a couple of times to invite her to my kids’ sporting events and other activities. When my sister-in-law called us to wish one of our children a belated happy birthday a couple of months ago, I mentioned — awkwardly — that we have been trying to get in touch with their daughter nearby. My sisterin-law was extremely dismissive, saying something like, “No, she’s way too busy with her work and her international skiing trip with her father.” I interpreted her response to mean that she thinks her daughter is too good to spend time with us. I have always sensed that they think they are superior, but this helped confirm it.

They recently extended an invitation for us to join them on Father’s Day, and my husband would like for our family to go. I have zero interest in seeing them. I never really cared for my stiff brother-in-law, who always looked down on my husband. My husband never cared for his brother’s wife, and he blames her for his brother following her lead in their vaccination status.

My husband thinks we should go spend a few hours with them. I don’t see how I can go and be fake friendly. I can’t help worrying about keeping our family safe from COVID-19, and this whole idea stresses me out. If they were friends and not family, I would not go. It will probably cause a problem in our marriage if I tell him to take the kids and go without me.

Please advise what you think I should do. — Trying to Weed Negativity Out of Our Lives

Dear Trying to Weed Negativity Out: Your letter is filled with judgments and preconceived opinions about certain things your sister-in-law said. The fact that her daughter is busy with work and skiing does not mean that she thinks her daughter is too good to spend time with you.

Sometimes, when we feel insecure, we can project our negative feelings about ourselves onto others. And sometimes, people are stuck up and look down their noses at others. The truth of the matter will never be sorted out unless you tell your sister-in-law how you feel.

As far as your politics and COVID-safe policies are concerned, just don’t bring politics up, and don’t do anything that would make you or your family not feel safe around COVID-19.

The only way you will be fake is if you don’t let your brother and sister-in-law know how you’re feeling.