Do you know the lyrics to Christmas classics?

My wife Annette and I were helping set up the memorial boards before the light parade the other day as a choir warmed up on the steps at city hall nearby. They’d sing a verse or two from a Christmas song, then move on to the next one. Listening to old favorites like “Silent Night” and “Jingle Bells” really added to the mood. But it got me thinking. Do we really know the lyrics to the Christmas songs we hear over the loudspeaker between customer service requests in the toilet department. The songs we hum as we avoid eye contact with the fella standing next to the red kettle ringing the bell? We think we do, but I argue sir and madame, we do not. Let’s take a look.

“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”: The singers make several precise demands. Sure, they open up with “Good tidings we bring to you and your kin,” but the situation quickly degenerates into “Now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding, and a cup of good cheer. And we won’t go until we get some. We won’t go until we get some.” So they show up, toss out a meaningless greeting, and then start criticizing the host for a lack of pudding and cocktails. In the second verse, they up the ante and it’s obvious they spent the night: “Now, bring us some tea and breakfast. Now bring us some tea and breakfast. And bring it right here.” The third verse, interestingly enough, goes, “I got something for you freeloaders and it isn’t tea and breakfast. It’s called Lodi PD and they’ll be here in about five minutes.”

“Baby, it’s Cold Outside”: An underrated classic that appears to have been written by the people who brought you Mad Men and Aqua Velva commercials. The lyrics include: “Well, maybe just a half a drink more ... put some records on while I pour” and “Well, maybe just a cigarette more … never such a blizzard before” and “My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious, gosh your lips look delicious” and finally, “At least there will be plenty implied … If you caught pneumonia and died.” Booze, gossip, and death. Sounds like Christmas to me.

“Merry Christmas Baby”: The singer leads off with “Well, I wanna bring it a little bit high” several times, follows it with “I haven’t had a toddy this morning, but I’m all lit up like a Christmas tree” several more times then closes with “But I’m all lit up, but I’m all lit up, but I’m all lit up, but I’m all lit up. I said I’m all lit up; I’m all lit up, baby.” She ain’t talking about light bulbs.

“Santa Baby”: During the course of the song, the performer requests, in order, a fur coat, a light blue convertible, a yacht, jewelry from Tiffany’s, a deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, and blank checks with Santa’s signature already on them. She does refer to him as “Santa Baby” and “Santa Cutie” several times, so I guess, for him, it all evens out.

“Christmas Island”: The lyrics include: “How’d ya like to hang a stocking on a great big coconut tree?” and “Want to wait for Santa to sail in with your presents in a canoe?” Is this a song or a script for Magnum P.I.?

“Dominic the Donkey”: Even my grandfather John Tuso, a charter member of the Italian Athletic Club, would have trouble with this one. It goes, “It’s Dominic, the Italian Christmas donkey. When Santa visits his paisans, with Dominic he will be. Because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy. Dominic has the mayor’s derby on his head, and the kids talk Italian to him. And he even understands!” All that’s missing is “That’s a spicy-a- meatball”

“Blue Christmas”: Elvis sings about blue snowflakes. The colonel should have intervened.

“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”: The carolers ask to be saved from Satan ... in a Christmas song. “Good King Wenceslas-Really, the verses include”: Bring me flesh and bring me wine. Freeze thy blood less coldly.” These folks need a little bit of what the singer in Christmas Baby is smoking.

“Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)”:You don’t want to know the lyrics, trust me.