Searching for balance
Dear Annie:
I have two sons: “George,” 28, and “Fred,” 35. George has lived with us on and off for the past 10 years. He has finally landed a decent job, and we are giving him six more months of living with us to get his finances in order so that he can get a place of his own.
The issue is Fred. We have had a strained relationship for all of his adult life. He became a drug addict in his teens and was in and out of facilities, to no avail. During his time of using, he was abusive to me, both verbally and emotionally, kicking me out of his life multiple times, causing me to miss large chunks of time with my grandchildren.
At one point, things got so bad that we had to notify the police because I was fearful for my husband and me. His drug use cost him his marriage, and he almost lost his children. Finally, he became clean two years ago, and I thought our relationship would improve. It did for a bit. I always attributed his behavior to drugs but have now come to realize that he is a narcissist and his behavior is toxic.
He has been living with his girlfriend for the past two years; however, she recently broke up with him, and he wanted to move in with us.
My husband is not the father of my sons, and our marriage has been put to the test with George bouncing in and out, so I told Fred “no.” Fred does not have an exit plan. He has a good job and could go for an extended period of time before he found an apartment.
He now has cut me off completely and blocked my number. I have no access to the grandchildren, other than reaching out to his ex-wife and hoping she would be kind enough to allow us time. Annie, was I wrong to say no? Should I try to move on and realize it may be best not to have him in my life, or should I try to reconcile? — Looking for Peace Dear Looking for
Peace: Peace is within you. Make a decision that you will not let any outside situation take away your sense of inner peace. The real question is how to do that.
For starters, don’t second-guess your decision. Fred needs your emotional support, but you can only give it while protecting your personal boundaries and well-being. You made the right choice by not allowing him to move back in with you. This will force him to find a place of his own and keep his job. Both of those things will build Fred’s self-esteem and, hopefully, help him to stay sober.
Your letter shows me how important Fred is to you. Stay grounded in that, and write him an email or a letter telling him how much you love him and how grateful you are for him. Remember what Fred was like as a boy to soften your anger and hurt. It is easier to come around when what is greeting you is unconditional love. One day, hopefully, Fred will come around.