News that won’t make you snooze

Last week, the Global Goober Awards were held at a Hollywood liquor store parking lot. This is one of the most important ceremonies of the year where guests put on their best madein-Bangladesh dress shirts and light-up bow ties.

The purpose of the event is to recognize motion pictures of the year that promote truth, justice and the Tinseltown way. Here are just three of the most interesting categories:

“Best Sci-Fi Picture” went to a little known flick titled: “The Day My Luggage Stood Still.” It’s a tale about a black hole that swallowed up all the suitcases at five major U.S. airports. Days later, the items are found on an island near the Bermuda Triangle. Airlines apologize and offer free tickets to those who have the guts to go out and get them.

Another category is, “Best Actress in a Bad Movie.” It went to Myra Admireme for her role as a royal princess, who somehow found herself as an oppressed victim in a racist and superficial society. Fortunately, the story has a happy ending, as the princess makes $100 million on a best-selling book, which blames everyone but herself.

And of course, we can’t forget “Worst Picture of the Year.” It was a tough decision, but was awarded to “Bottom Gun Beagle Breath.” It’s very popular story about a military guy who flunked out of flight school, but amazingly saves the Earth from Martian invaders and their secret allies in Congress.

Congratulations to all the winners. We look forward to even lower ratings on TV next year.

• Coredebt Motor Co. has announced that next year’s sports car model will have a secret compartment where classified documents can be stored. Rumor has it that several of these vehicles have already been ordered by the government. However, the White House will not take delivery, claiming the executive branch knows nothing about this type of document, referring all questions to their legal counsel… their legal counsel… their…

• Attorney for mass murderer Jason Robhearts claims that despite the overwhelming evidence against her client, he is innocent. “His DNA on the gun means nothing,” she said. “That could have happened by coincidence when he looked over the same pistol at a sporting goods store several years ago.”

Authorities also assert that Robhearts’ car was spotted at the murder scene. But his lawyer says there are probably several AMC Pacers just like his around, painted with psychedelic pictures of Jeffery Dahmer, as well.

Finally, she said he has an airtight alibi, as his mother claims Robhearts was home in bed the night of the murders hugging his favorite teddy bear, Willie.

“I know this defense is a long shot,” the attorney said. “But if I can get just one idiot on the jury to buy it, we’ll prove once again, that murder can be legal in America.

• A movement has been started by some climate activists to get rid of gas stoves. “They’re dangerous,” said Heady McClouds. “For example, Over one million suicides per year happen from people sticking their heads in gas ovens.”

But Veal Scaloppini, owner of Taste of Timbuktu in Buckboard, Calif. strongly disagrees. “Food just doesn’t taste as good when cooked on an electric stove, as compared to gas ones,” he opined. “And that stuff about suicide is nuts. Where does she get that nonsense? People can whack themselves in electric ovens just as easily. But instead of noxious fumes, they’ll just burn up.”

Activists backed off when they heard about overwhelming protests from homemakers who said without gas, no one will be able eat or boil water when the power goes off. They also became horrified with the discovery that electric grids are powered by fossil fuels too.

• Reckless spending by Congress has left every man, woman and child in the U.S. owing $95,000 each on the national debt.

Congressional leaders have gotten together to decide how to bill the American public.

Some have suggested a time payment plan, which would cost each individual $509 per month at 5% interest for the next 30 years.

Others simply want to pay it off with inflation. They say most Americans will never notice $50 bread, $80 Big Macs or Toyota Corollas selling for $275,000.

But the majority seem to think closing their eyes and partying on is by far the best option. “Let our kids and grandkids pay for it,” said one congressperson. “After what it cost to raise those little munchkins, I say stick it to ‘em – wouldn’t you agree?”