Professor sniffles is canceled
Professor Sniffles, from the little known country of Catatonia, lectures to his political science class on the misuse of power.
Sniffles: And so class, as Lance Laundryman said back in the day: “Occupants of public offices covet power and are compelled to abuse it.” Do any of you see this statement as relevant to today’s political environment? Class: (dead silence.)
Sniffles: Come on, students. Take those earpods out of your ears, turn off the music and pay attention to what I’m saying: Do you think politicians covet power and are compelled to abuse it? One student:
Eh, who’s Lance Laundryman?
Sniffles: OMG! He’s our country’s first leader. Don’t they teach you “guys” anything about Catatonic history these days? Anonymous student:
Hey, watch those microaggressions, professor!
Student 2: I heard Laundryman had dominion over some house cats. He must have been a really bad guy.
Sniffles: No, no, no… well, I mean yes. He did have domestic cats, but he was opposed to the concept of human control over other species and freed them at the end of his life.
You know class, to understand people, we have to look at the standards and beliefs that prevailed during their times. Hopefully, you and I will be judged by the same yardstick.
Student 3: Professor, I don’t see how you can quote someone who went to Egypt and kidnapped a bunch of innocent felines.
Sniffles: No, that’s not exactly how it worked. You see, the Europeans…
Student 4: Are you trying to justify animal domination?
Sniffles: No! That’s not what I’m saying. We’re getting way off topic here. Let’s refocus on what Laundryman said about the abuse of power.
Student 5: I don’t believe a word you’ve said. I don’t think a decent human being would ever try to dominate another species. You’re just trying to rationalize…
Sniffles: Look, these are all great topics for another day, but let’s stay on task. AGAIN, I ask you the question: “Do occupants of public offices covet power, and are they compelled to abuse it?” Student 6: I heard all of our founding leaders were rich capitalists and made their fortunes off the rat-catching talents of oppressed kittens. Sniffles: Again, a great topic for another time, but…
Student 7: My parents are not paying $60,000 a year for you be an apologist for kitty oppression! I am going to report you to the administration for what’s being said here.
Other students:
Yeah… yeah… right on!
Sniffles: Wait a minute! I’m not saying…
Student 8: Come on, class. Let’s get out of here and retreat to our safe spaces!
Sniffles: I can’t believe what just happened here. Is this what the concept of “a free exchange of ideas” has become at our Catatonic universities?
(A few days later, Professor Sniffles is suspended from his teaching duties and told his contract will not be renewed for the coming year.)
Sniffles (to himself):
Sigh, I wish I had never wasted money on a Ph.D. I should have used my art talent and applied myself as a comic strip cartoonist. If I had gone that route, no one ever would have dreamed of canceling me for what I said, right?... I mean… isn’t that right?
Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist. Contact him at news@lodinews.com