Son altered as altar nears
Dear Amy: Our well-educated, 33-year-old son is planning to marry a 30-yearold woman in two months. She talks only when asked a direct question. She doesn’t cook, clean, buy groceries or do any chores. Our son does everything. She is an only child and is extremely focused on her appearance.
Our son used to be wellgroomed, outgoing, fun-loving and thoughtful. Since he has been with this woman, he is quiet and doesn’t interact with family unless we initiate contact. He looks disheveled most of the time.
The wedding is coming up, and we are concerned about his happiness. We think he is settling and may be depressed. We definitely don’t think he is happy or acts like someone who is in love and excited about building a life with this woman.
We don’t want to comment for fear he’ll take it as criticism and cut off all contact with us, so we haven’t said anything. Is there anything we can do at this point, or do we just need to stand by and watch this happen?
Concerned Parents
Dear Concerned: A common tactic of partners who are abusers is to isolate someone from family and friends. Do your utmost to keep the door open, even if your contact is limited.
This does not mean you have to stand by passively. Be honest and loving and express your concern, without casting blame or judgment.
His fiancée might be an abuser, the two of them might be abusing alcohol or drugs, he might be addicted to online gaming or is sleepdeprived for other reasons, depressed or stressed.
As parents, you know your son intimately. You see changes that worry you. So you say, “Son, are you OK? You seem quite depressed and stressed, and we’re worried about you. You don’t seem like yourself lately. What’s going on with you?”
Do not make any comments about her or suggest that he is “settling.” Stay as close as you can to this couple, but express your concern, privately, to your son.
Dear Amy: My family and I live next door to a woman on medical disability who lives in the home owned by her elderly mother.
On a daily basis, our family overhears the daughter yelling at her mother over trivial issues. These yelling fits seem to be one-sided; we never overhear the mother’s voice. They include screaming and stomping so loud that our house shakes. This seems like an abusive relationship to us, but we don’t know what action, if any, we should take.
Worried Neighbors
Dear Worried: This is heartbreaking. Please intervene — even at a distance. When elderly people are isolated and unable to get help for themselves, concerned neighbors are often the first reporters of abuse. If there is pounding so loud your own house shakes, you should call the police.
The Administration on Aging hosts the National Center on Elder Abuse ( ncea.aoa.gov), devoted to education and support for vulnerable elders. Their helpful and informative website will educate you about red flags of abuse and also lists state-by-state hotline numbers. You can report this anonymously, and a caseworker will investigate.
Otherwise, the National Eldercare Locator has operators who can give you more information and refer you to local elder services: (800) 677-1116.