Addict cannot be trusted
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Dear Amy: I come from a big family, and we all come together on Christmas Eve every year. I plan to host the event at my new house this year, but there is a problem.
My brother’s teenage daughter has been having drug problems for the past couple of years and has now reverted to stealing money, jewelry and medication from her parents.
She was recently caught stealing cash and winning lottery tickets from my sister’s house, has run up her mother’s credit card at the mall and has stolen checks totaling more than $1,000.
I have jewelry, medications and checkbooks upstairs in my house. There will also be numerous purses belonging to my guests around the house, and I’d hate to have to lock them up.
Is there a way to put it across to her parents that she is not invited to the celebration, without being rude?
Confused in Massachusetts
Dear Confused: This isn’t a question of rudeness. You need to acknowledge your niece’s drug addiction. You shouldn’t place her in a situation where she will have access to medications, cash or anything else that she might be tempted to steal.
I shared your question with Jeff VanVonderen, an intervention professional, whose work is featured on the A&E documentary series “Intervention.” He suggests that people facing this situation ask themselves this question: “What other person in that condition on the planet would you allow in your house? I’m guessing you wouldn’t allow a friend, neighbor or stranger in this condition into your house.
“Don’t give your niece a license to be less safe and less dependable than you would trust a stranger to be.” (December 2005)
Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our 50s with grown children who are on their own. We are youthful and healthy, and until recently, our marriage was monogamous. Some time ago, we talked at length about sexual experimentation in the form of “open” marriage.
In fact, my husband was the one who suggested the idea, and we struck a deal. We agreed that if I wanted to get involved with someone else, it would be OK with him and he would feel free to do the same. Well, I did and he didn’t. Even though it’s only a once-in-a-while thing for me (with one man), I’m finding it very enjoyable, almost addictive. Now my husband is pressuring me to end my relationship.
The other man wants to continue, and to be perfectly honest, so do I.
The only one feeling left out is the guy who started this whole thing. What should I do?
Part of a Triangle
Dear Part: Your letter illustrates why open marriage doesn’t work. What are the odds that both partners will find other fulfilling sexual partners at the same time, have relationships of the same duration and intensity, and not damage their marriage?
Open marriages don’t work because the “openness” more or less negates the “marriage.”
Obviously, you two need to negotiate this matter together. A marriage counselor could help both of you to open up about your open marriage. (July 2005)